What I learned in 2015

I started this tradition at the end of 2012 on my Silly Little CaveGirl blog. Back then I was learning to nourish myself and defend myself. I continued the tradition as I continued that blog for two more years. Through my divorce and my reawakening. And my return to my true self. 

These posts are special to me. They are the proof that I am not where I was a year ago - no matter how much I loved that place. They show me that I am progressing. And I love that.

Growth is a value at Tailored Output.

And Tailored Output probably would be the logical place to start. I have learned so much this year about opening a business, and coaching, and workshop design, and all the practical things that come with creating something new. I could draft the most useful list ever about online resources and services that help novice entrepreneurs get on their feet. And maybe I still will. But that’s a topic for a different day.

This post is about my soul.

It’s good to be hungry.

I’ve been struggling. 

I’ve been building Tailored Output with enthusiasm. I wake up at 5 AM to work for myself before heading off to my day job. I love the hard work and reward of building my business bit by bit. And yet… Internally, I am struggling. 

Maybe it's a lingering worthiness issue (I swear I thought I tackled those!). Or maybe it's fear of the unknown creeping up. Or maybe it is any number of other things manifesting themselves in this way. But I found myself many times this year feeling greedy. 

Who am I to think I deserve the future of my dreams?

I have an incredible day job. I love what I do. I work with brilliant people who accomplish amazing things and make me laugh. I make use of my technical skills. I'm challenged every day. And I get to pursue my curiosity without much supervision or leadership intervention. I’m one of the lucky ones. And I know it.

What’s more: I picked this job. Before I applied for the master’s program in international affairs, I found the posting for my exact job online and set about to earn the necessary qualifications. At the end of my program, I applied and made it through the incredibly competitive selection process. I onboarded quickly, and I was put in a position I loved on the very first day. Like I said: I'm one of the lucky ones. And I know it.

I also know that I want more. And different. And bigger. And better.

And so I struggle. Is it fair to expect lightening to strike twice? Can I justify moving on from such a good job to purse something different? Is it a waste of my technical skills to focus on the soft skills of empowerment and engagement and communication? What about all those people who hate their jobs? Am I somehow stealing a slice of their potential by asking the Universe to shine on me, again?

I have been working with my own coach about this topic.

And then tonight I was talking to a friend over Holiday Happy Hour drinks. And I told him that I’m feeling greedy and entitled for thinking I could do this new thing. And he stopped me and asked, really? how you feel is greedy? And I said, yes, that’s the best word I can think of to use. And then he said the most magical thing, you don’t seem greedy to me. You seem hungry. And it’s good to be hungry.

And that's when the lights came on.

Hungry is the perfect word to describe my feeling. Seeking. Wanting more. And there is nothing wrong with hungry! When you sit down to eat a delicious banquet of food, there is no expectation that it will sustain you for the rest of your life - no matter how exquisitely prepared it is. We are expected to get hungry. In fact, hunger is necessary. It is how our bodies signal that they need more nourishment to sustain health, vitality, and growth. Hunger is what keeps us alive.

So no, I don’t feel greedy! Not anymore. I feel hungry. My hunger is the signal to me that I need more to sustain me. To make me strong and healthy and full of vitality. 

I feel happy and satisfied with where I am today. With what I’ve done. Everything I’ve had before. And I feel no expectation that all of that will keep me satisfied going forward. I will need to keep working for more if I want to keep living and growing. That’s nature. That’s my nature. 

It's good to be hungry.

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