Prepare to Learn (From Failure)

We have to learn from our mistakes. Failure is an opportunity to learn. The only failure is a failure to learn. Never give up. Assess, regroup, and try again. 

I learned at a young age to get back on the horse (or red bicycle).

We hear it. We know it. But how do we do it? How do we make sure we learn from our mistakes and prevent our failures from defeating us? How do we overcome the emotional gut-punch that accompanies failure, the cognitive dissonance that comes when we cannot do what we think we can do? How do we make sure that when we fail (and we will fail) we learn instead of lose?

It’s all about preparation. 

First, and this is first because it is the key, we must expect to fail. We must consider it a badge of honor. We must see our failures as the signposts that they are. The bright, flashing signals that we are pushing boundaries. That we are doing the hard things. That we are taking on new challenges. We have to expect that our first plan might be good but not great. We must decide that we will succeed in the mission, the vision, and expect that we will fail along the way.

And, because we expect to fail, we must be on the lookout for signs of failure. It is easy to ignore the negative trends, to marshal the full force of our optimism, to continue on after the first few signs of trouble. Because we are amazing and capable. And we want so badly to succeed in our plans. Looking for the subtle hints of failure gives us an opportunity to intercede early, to change course slightly, to correct as we go.

Looking for the early signs of failure also helps us create good habits in a low-stakes environment. We get to practice digesting the new information, assessing the impact on the expected outcome, and making a change that will keep us on the pathway to success. Doing this in the early stages of the plan—when the vendor shows up to the first meeting 15 minutes late, or you realize the two key designers have a history of competition instead of collaboration—will help you exercise your learn-from-mistakes-and-correct-the-course muscle. And you’ll need that muscle when things get really rough in the middle. Because they always do.

But we’re still at the beginning, preparing to learn from (inevitable) failure.

And at the beginning, when we are mapping out our pathway to greatness, we need set aside some time to plan our response to failure. What are we going to do when it starts to fall apart? Because even though we expect to fail and we know it won’t always be easy, it still won’t feel good. Failure sucks. And it hurts. And the alarm bells ringing in our emotional centers will overwhelm the quiet logical voice reminding us that this is an opportunity to learn. So we need to prepare for that, too.

A failure plan puts your intellect back in charge, exactly when you need it. But only if you create it before the pain of failure sets in. 

A good plan for failure has a few critical elements. First, it must acknowledge the suck. Don’t try to push it away, or hide it, or rely on yourself or anyone else to (wo)man up. You won’t. Give yourself time to grieve or vent or get pissed. Burn off some of that energy. Then, get to work. 

Next, the plan must focus on what you can control. Put another way: Avoid blaming. Understanding the root of the problem is important, but blaming others disempowers you. What happened? What did you do to contribute? How could you have performed differently? What will you do going forward? You only can control yourself. This is your mission and vision. So focus where it counts.

And then you must know what works for you. How do you learn best? Are you a list-maker? A pros and cons aficionado? Do you love to brainstorm and think out loud? Are you an internalizer? Or do you want input from outsiders? Craft a plan that takes your learning preference into account, and you will set yourself up to learn from your mistakes. It’s the only way.

There is no one right way to do this. No how-to guide or five-step process. Your learn from failure plan will be as unique as you are. The point here is that you must have one. Failure will come. Mistakes happen. The road to greatness is full of ruts and fallen trees. Decide in advance what you will do when you fail, and you will succeed.

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Do Something!

I’m not kidding. And I probably could stop the blog right there. You get the message. 

The key to learning. The key to success. The key to thriving. The key to physical and mental health. They key to life is action. Take action. 

A random Sunday afternoon spent outside Doing Something.

You want to learn a new skill? Find a teacher. Read a book. Watch some YouTube. And then start practicing. You want to rise to the top of your organization? How many people do you know who climb the corporate ladder by sitting at the bottom staring at the rungs? You want to live a whole and fulfilling life? That life isn’t going to come find you on your couch in your PJs. You’ve got to go out and create it. With your hands! 

Our educational system seems pretty passive. Sit in class. Listen quietly. Take good notes. The majority of our time is spent in receive mode. But that’s not really when the learning happens. The knowledge gets into our brain when we think deeply about the information and apply it in context. When we connect it to our lives. When we practice and measure and write and debate. When we do.

Our organizations seem pretty steady. Our managers expend great energy working to keep everyone else working toward the status quo. Managers. Leaders appear when change is needed. When fear of the unknown must be overcome. When something must be done. Leaders do.

Our lives seem pretty routine. We wake up. We work. We work-out. We eat. We watch TV. We sleep. Repeat. Look deeper. We struggle. We strive. We overcome. We laugh through tears. We love. The moments that mean the most are the moments we create. We rise. We turn the corner to a new life. We close a chapter of the old book. We do the things we need to do to be the people we want to become. 

Do Something!

And don’t worry too much about what that something should be. Almost anything is better than nothing. And you’ll learn pretty quickly if that something you pick is working. Or if you should pick something different. Sitting and thinking and wondering and worrying will never teach you so much so quickly. 

And once you’re on the road. You’re off! You’ve got momentum. And motivation to continue will come to you in spades. You tried. You didn’t die! That’s something. Try something else. Do more. Because you can! You’ve already proven you know how to do something.

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References:

The Desire Map: A Guide to Creating Goals With Soul (affiliate link) by Danielle Laporte

Getting There: A Book of Mentors by Gillian Zoe Segal

Mastery by Robert Greene

Rework by Jason Fried and David Heinemeier Hansson

Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard by Chip and Dan Heath

Think Like a Freak: The Authors of Freakonomics Offer to Retrain Your Brain by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner

Your Admiration Reveals Your Aspiration

You know that warm, bright feeling you get when you see someone do something amazing? The feeling that, if it had a face, would tilt its head to one side and say through a half-crooked smile, wow. you are incredible! That’s admiration. 

It’s not envy. It’s not jealousy. It’s not covetous. Or greed. Admiration is full-hearted. And says, without reservation, good for you! And it also says, silently, I want that, too.

Admiration is a window into your heart’s desire and a door that opens your mind to instruction. 

It helps you identify who you would like to learn from, and primes you to take in everything they have to offer. It is critical, therefore, that you deploy the full force of your curiosity to uncover exactly what it is about this person (or organization) that you admire. Surely it isn’t everything. Guaranteed there are aspects of this person’s life that you would never want to relive, character traits that are too dissimilar from your own to make a total-life-swap desirable. And yet, you admire. You want something that they’ve got. What is it?

Naming the thing you admire, and not just the person, puts you on the path toward achieving it. It can be incredibly useful when you feel stuck, or don’t know what to do next, to ask yourself, what would so-and-so do in this situation? It can be completely life-changing to seek them out as a mentor. But only if you are clear, up front, about what you want to learn. 

Following too closely in someone else's footsteps can leave you burred hip deep in the snow. 

So, how do you do it? How do you uncover and name the things you admire about the people you admire and set yourself up to become what you want to become? 

Tell yourself their story. Write it down even. And then go back and circle the themes.

Our brains are naturally selective about what we observe, store, and remember. There is far too much information pouring into each of our five senses at every moment to make sense of even a large fraction. The world around us and the feelings and thoughts within us are Niagara Falls. And our vast mental resources can take in - at most - the flow from a standard garden hose. 

And so the brain filters. Based on what we are doing. On our past experience. On what has been important to us in similar situations. And based on what we want to accomplish in the future. 

No matter how many times you have heard or read or watched the story of the object of your admiration, you could not possibly take in it all. You digested what was important the first time. And every subsequent time you’ve filled in around the edges and reinforced the things that you found important. 

So write for yourself their story. And go back and circle the themes.

I admire people who don't let the past dictate their future. Who make incredible things, even when they aren't so sure that they can.

What is jumping out for you? And how do you feel when you think about that action or idea or character trait? Are you impressed? Are you energized? Are you thinking, me too, I want that, too!? You’ve found it! Your admiration. And a window into what you want most dearly to do.

You can repeat this trick for every area of your life. Who are the leaders you admire? What did they do that caused you to pick them? Which business owners do you admire? What is the story of their success? Who are the parents or couples you admire? What about their relationships inspires you? What behaviors or characteristics did you identify with most strongly? How can you implement those behaviors in your own life? Does it feel exciting to think about doing so?  

What can you do? How will you do it? And then you’re on your way!

It also can be diagnostic to think about the other themes. The things you remember about people that do not resonate with you. The things that make you think, ugh, I hope I never… The trouble is, useful as it is to know what not to do, that type of thinking lacks energy. It lacks movement. It keeps you where you are, not doing things. So yes, make that mental check-list, and then get back to work uncovering what you admire. And get on the pathway to doing the things you aspire to do.

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References:

The Fire Starter Sessions: A Soulful + Practical Guide to Creating Success on Your Own Terms (affiliate link) by Danielle LaPorte

Getting There: A Book of Mentors by Gillian Zoe Segal

Mastery by Robert Greene

Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard by Chip and Dan Heath

How Humans Learn

Full disclosure: I love school.

Even high school. And not because all my friends were there and I was into the social aspects. I wasn’t popular like that. I loved the actual school part of high school. Even homework. Sure, I did it in the library at lunch because I needed my after-school time for sports. But I didn’t mind having to do that. No complaints. I even went back to school because after six years out of the classroom, I started to get a little twitchy. 

I know what you’re thinking: Nerd alert. Guilty.

I also know, now, that my love for formal education is completely predisposed. I’m the kind of person that can digest new information exactly the way most public schools serve it. Lectures and class notes, homework sheets and reading assignments, class presentations and discussion. Sign. Me. Up.

When I went back to school last fall, I finally figured out why that works for me. And how it can work for you, too.

We spent a lot of time in class talking about the Adult Learning Model. The theory that adults learn by first conceptualizing their problem and a possible solution, then experimenting with their solution and collecting data about their success, reflecting on that data, and integrating it back into their concept about their problem and their world in general. And then beginning again at the top of the loop. Re-conceptualizing the problem and re-thinking their hypothetical solution. And round. And round. And round. 

The reflection and integration piece is where the learning occurs. But it can only occur after experimentation. The experimentation has to be deeply linked to the adult’s concept of the world. And you get extra points for challenging yourself and working outside your comfort zone.

What does that have to do with my high school? Everything.

Dry ice experiments in my kitchen. Racquetball goggles for eye-protection. Safety first.

I’m a scientist to the core. And an introvert. I naturally turned every assignment into an experiment. It wasn’t busy-work to be done, but an opportunity to test what I had begun to conceptualize in class. The grade? That’s data about my success and failure. Something to internalize and help formulate my next attempt. My next experiment. 

I used to get pissed at my dad for always looking at my scores and asking me what happened to the points I missed. Even when I got a 98%! What happened to the other two points? He’d say. Infuriating! Is nothing good enough for you?! And yea, that probably exacerbated my perfectionism (we’ll talk about self-worth another time), but it also kept me learning. I could have set that paper aside. I got the A! But instead I took the time to reflect and integrate and re-conceptualize and loop back through the model. 

The Adult Learning Model. 

I think we call it that because once we’re adults we’re unwilling to sit quietly at our desks, mouths gaping open for a firehose of lecture notes. When we were kids we didn't know any better. We just know that most of us thought school sucked. But when we were little kids, we couldn’t sit quietly all day if our lives depended on it. Think back. Was your kindergarten teacher using The Adult Learning Model? I bet she was…

And that’s really the point of this post. 

It’s not an Adult Learning Model. It’s a Human Learning Model. And if you're a human, it’ll work for you. Inside the classroom, or out. All you need is a desire to learn and a source of new information. Teachers. Books. Coaches. Apprenticeships. Mentors. TED Talks. Webinars. Journal Articles. Your own experience. You name it. 

New skills. New ideas. New ways of doing things. You can learn anything, if you follow the steps:

1. Digest the new information. Think about how it applies to your situation and your previous experience. What does it mean to you? How could it help you accomplish your task?

2. Design an experiment. What are you going to do to apply this new information?

3. Collect data. What’s happening? Is it working? Are you accomplishing what you set out to accomplish? How? What’s not working?

4. Reflect on the data. What went well? What didn’t go so well?

5. Integrate. How does this new data apply to your situation and your previous experience? Allow yourself to be challenged! Does it completely overturn your idea about how things work? That’s a good thing! It means you’re learning! How could this new concept help you accomplish your task?

6. Design a new experiment, and loop around again.

As you can see, it’s simple. Just a few steps to greatness. The trouble is, simple as it is, it’s not easy. Getting outside your comfort zone, letting yourself be challenged, overturning long-held beliefs and ideas, that all takes work and courage and persistence. And more than that, it takes the belief that you actually will come out successful at the other end, but you might have to loop through over and over and over and over again before you actually do. 

I dare you to believe it. Because it’s true. It’s how humans learn.

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What Should I Do With My Life?

If you’ve been following along at home, I’ve covered a little bit of ground with this blog. I’ve discussed how to name the things that need to change in your life, the importance of feelings, and how to uncover your magic. And so what? Once you know what activities give you energy and what strengths you bring to the table, how do you know where to apply them? It’s a big world with infinite options. And you can’t just match your favorite activities and best talents to a job description and expect to slide into the perfect career (for you).

For example: I love to communicate and share knowledge. After a briefing or speaking event, you have to peel me off the ceiling, I’m so high. And I am skilled at finding patterns and creating structure. You might think, based on that, I would thrive as an elementary school teacher. Lesson plans. Sharing knowledge. Marching through the curriculum. Perfect, right? 

The truth is, I would be hopeless. Elementary education is closer to my version of hell than my calling. I have all the respect in the world for passionate teachers. I literally don’t know how they do it. But on paper, I would be a perfect fit. 

What gives?

My niece. Already full of curiosity.

There is still one missing piece. Robert Greene calls it your Inclination. Elizabeth Gilbert and Danielle LaPorte call it your Curiosity. It is a deep interest in a subject or activity that is a part of you from birth. And it is the key to uncovering what you should do. Where you should focus your energy and talents. What you should study and how you should grow. 

The cool thing about your Inclination is that it has been with you since birth. It is a part of you, just waiting to be discovered. The terrible thing about your inclination is that it has been with you since birth. It is a part of you, so much so that you might not even realize it’s there. And just like your magic, you might have spent a lifetime covering it up to fit in.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my inclination ever since I stared this research. Wondering: what would I call it if I named my curiosity? I’m a problem-solver and curious about how things work. I studied physics because it was the hardest thing I could think of. And the most fundamental. Then I went into Government because that seemed harder still. Something big to figure out. And then one day I was walking with a colleague who studied psychology and said almost unconsciously, If I had been brave I would have majored in psychology. I surprised her. And I surprised myself. 

I have always loved people. I’m deeply curious about how their minds work. And as long as I can remember I have wanted the best for my friends and done everything I could to help them discover the best in themselves. To achieve all they wanted to achieve. And yet. I also was good at math. And I destroyed the AP Physics test. And I bought in to the idea that scientists are technical and anti-social and in my pursuit of the hard problem, I forgot about my love for the hardest problem: human behavior. 

It’s been eight years since I finished my master’s degree in physics and I am just now rediscovering my true curiosity. It was buried deep. And it took a lot of introspection and a hard look at my Kindle wish list and reflection on the magazines and articles I love to read. And it took me listening to my friends and coworkers when they mentioned offhand that they thought I would love to do suchandsuch. Especially when it seemed out of character for me. My Inclination was shining through even though I was too blind by my self-image to see. 

And now that I’ve embraced it. And I follow it. I find myself so much more engaged and inspired. Curious and creative. It’s empowering to have a name for something so fundamentally me. To have a strong sense of what I should do with my life, or at least the next phase of my life. To see a new path unfolding ahead of me.

What about you? What is your Inclination? Has it helped you decide what to do with your life? Please tell me! Humor my deep curiosity.

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References:

The Desire Map: A Guide to Creating Goals With Soul (affiliate link) by Danielle Laporte

The Fire Starter Sessions: A Soulful + Practical Guide to Creating Success on Your Own Terms (affiliate link) by Danielle LaPorte

Getting There: A Book of Mentors by Gillian Zoe Segal

Mastery by Robert Greene

StrengthsFinder 2.0 by Tom Rath

Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard by Chip and Dan Heath

The Truth about Leadership by James M. Kouzes and Barry Z. Posner

Resolutions Start on January 2nd

I love everything about the New Year. Bubbly wines (I prefer Prosecco). Sparkly dresses. Joy. Cheer. Dancing. Boozy brunches. Luck-inviting comfort foods. Reflecting on the year past. Planning for the year ahead. A clean slate. Fresh opportunity. It’s pretty-much all my favorite things in a 48 hour period. If Tailored Output had an official holiday, this would be it. I basically built this business around my love for New Year’s Resolutions.

And Resolutions start on January 2nd.

That’s my tradition. And my recipe for success. 

It started by accident, actually. I decided years ago to take Resolutions seriously instead of deciding to lose a few pounds like everybody else. And I spent all day on January 1st digging in to what I wanted to do that year. What I was willing to commit myself to doing. Then—probably inspired by a self-help book—I sent my goals for the year to my best girlfriends, the two people I trusted most to call me out if I got off track. 

It sparked a little revolution and we've kept the tradition strong for years. Sharing our goals and Resolutions on the 1st. Checking in with each other quarterly. Keeping accountability and encouraging success. It was awesome. It still is awesome.

Waiting until January 2nd to start gave us a little more time to think. And plan. And share.

As success built, things got more involved, and I expanded my idea of what I was capable of doing in a year. I started to prepare more. I found The Desire Map and started a new tradition of working through that life-changing process for goal-setting each December. I now know well before January 1st what I want to accomplish in the upcoming year. 

But Resolutions still start on January 2nd.

Trying to start on January 1st is too much pressure. It requires way too much willpower to keep all your new, untested, promises to yourself. Slightly-hungover, still surrounded by delicious holiday treats, possibly still traveling, and in the company friends and family (with all of their own expectations about your behavior) is not a recipe for start-something-new success. 

And then what? If you try, and fail, to get your Resolutions off the ground on the 1st, how do you respond? Do you think today is a fluke, tomorrow will be better!? Probably not. You’re probably more like me and think, seriously? I can’t even keep this damn Resolution for ONE DAY?! and quit. If you’re really like me, you probably pretend you never even made a Resolution—because that’s easier on the ego than failure—and move on with a year-as-usual. 

So I don’t do that anymore. Resolutions start on January 2nd.

The first step on the path to The Next Big Thing is Discovery.

This year my Resolutions are really grand Intentions. I have four. And they all point to the same place, like a North Star. They shine a guiding light to The Next Big Thing. They’re enormous. And might take more than a year to complete. Maybe even a lifetime to truly master. They are motivating and challenging. And I can’t wait to start!

I’m going to share them with the girls. It’s tradition. And I also am going to share them with you here. Because I love a good leap. A public pronouncement that makes it scarier to turn back than to go forward.

My Resolutions for 2016

1. Make myself into an excellent and sought-after coach and consultant.

2. Maintain a healthy and strong mind and body.

3. Transform my lifestyle from suburban-dwelling to adventure-ready.

4. Build a meaningful and lasting partnership with Cory.

What about you? What are your New Year’s Resolutions? Are you ready to start? Is this the year of The Next Big Thing? Or are you still working out what that thing might be? Are you ready to make a change but not quite sure to what? Would you like some guidance and support as you figure it all out? Tailored Output is offering a New Year, New You Virtual Workshop to provide just that: everything you need to create challenging and inspiring goals. Resolutions you’ll actually keep.

It starts on January 2nd. 

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References:

The Desire Map: A Guide to Creating Goals With Soul (affiliate link) by Danielle Laporte

How to Uncover Your Magic

Talents. Strengths. Gifts. We’ve all got them. The things about us that make us stand out in a crowd. Our brilliance. Our genius. The things we do that the people around us can’t quite figure out. Because they come so easily for us. And yet they come so hard to everyone else. That’s our Magic.

We know from Gallup and high-priced consultants and our own experience that when we focus on developing our unique brilliance we create the opportunity to really shine. And yet, so many of us struggle to do it. Uncovering our Magic is easier said than done. 

One magical evening in my neighborhood.

The very fact that it comes so easily—is such a natural part of you and me—is what makes our Magic hard to describe. Often we don’t recognize our Magic as anything particularly remarkable. It’s like breathing. Why would anyone pay attention to how we make our hearts beat? We just do it! Or worse, our particular brand of Magic might not be all that valued within our current circles or education system. And so we’ve spent a lifetime trying to live up to someone else’s definition of genius, effectively burying our Magic deep inside. 

Although we may not recognize it, or might have even buried it, our Magic is always there waiting to be used to full effect. Longing to be the unique gift we give to the world. We owe it to ourselves to uncover our Magic. And there are a few sure-fire ways to find it.

Follow the Gratitude

What do people thank you for? What are the things you do that make the people around you most grateful? Especially take note of the times when you felt you don’t deserve their thanks. The things you did that were so easy they were practically nothing. That’s a piece of your Magic. 

Also pay attention to things that other people think you should be grateful for. I had a boss once tell me the biggest compliment anyone can give you is to call you lucky. It means you got something they wanted, but they can't figure out how you did it. That might just be another indicator of your Magic at work.

Follow the Energy

When are you most on fire? Excited? Enthusiastic? What activities make you feel most in flow, most in the zone? Just like waving a wand, you Magic materializes in the world with the flick of a wrist. As snap. That doesn’t mean you never have to work to accomplish your goals. You absolutely do! It does mean that you would have had to work so much harder without the help of your Magic. 

Following your own enthusiasm also helps to overcome the should-noise that surrounds us all. The pretty picture of what we are supposed to do and like—painted by the people who love us with the best of intentions—hamper our ability to express our Magic. And actually, rubbing up against the expectations of others is another sure-fire way to find our Magic. It’s another type of energy to investigate. Where are you in conflict with the should-noise around you? Where are you feeling held down or unable to express yourself fully? That thing you’re holding back is another piece of your Magic. 

Follow the Research

Once you’ve examined your life and noticed where you have the most energy and receive the most thanks, it might be helpful to look to professionals for additional support. Some of your Magic might not express itself in your normal day-to-day routine. There might not be an opportunity for others to thank you for it, yet. Or, worse, it might be so deeply buried or so out of phase with the expectations around you, that it is hard to even know it’s there. A professional strengths assessment can help in both cases.

There are two strengths assessment tools that I recommend to help uncover your Magic. StrengthsFinder 2.0 and StandOut 2.0 both offer unique insight into your natural talents. They are based on years of research, and millions of people have taken these assessments. The tools are continually re-validated and updated. And I have found them both to be insightful and useful as I work to uncover my own Magic.

What am I missing? I know there must be more, and I would love to hear from you! How do you uncover your magic? 

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References:

The Fire Starter Sessions: A Soulful + Practical Guide to Creating Success on Your Own Terms (affiliate link) by Danielle LaPorte

Mastery by Robert Greene

StandOut 2.0: Assess Your Strengths, Find Your Edge, Win at Work by Marcus Buckingham

StrengthsFinder 2.0 by Tom Rath

What I learned in 2015

I started this tradition at the end of 2012 on my Silly Little CaveGirl blog. Back then I was learning to nourish myself and defend myself. I continued the tradition as I continued that blog for two more years. Through my divorce and my reawakening. And my return to my true self. 

These posts are special to me. They are the proof that I am not where I was a year ago - no matter how much I loved that place. They show me that I am progressing. And I love that.

Growth is a value at Tailored Output.

And Tailored Output probably would be the logical place to start. I have learned so much this year about opening a business, and coaching, and workshop design, and all the practical things that come with creating something new. I could draft the most useful list ever about online resources and services that help novice entrepreneurs get on their feet. And maybe I still will. But that’s a topic for a different day.

This post is about my soul.

It’s good to be hungry.

I’ve been struggling. 

I’ve been building Tailored Output with enthusiasm. I wake up at 5 AM to work for myself before heading off to my day job. I love the hard work and reward of building my business bit by bit. And yet… Internally, I am struggling. 

Maybe it's a lingering worthiness issue (I swear I thought I tackled those!). Or maybe it's fear of the unknown creeping up. Or maybe it is any number of other things manifesting themselves in this way. But I found myself many times this year feeling greedy. 

Who am I to think I deserve the future of my dreams?

I have an incredible day job. I love what I do. I work with brilliant people who accomplish amazing things and make me laugh. I make use of my technical skills. I'm challenged every day. And I get to pursue my curiosity without much supervision or leadership intervention. I’m one of the lucky ones. And I know it.

What’s more: I picked this job. Before I applied for the master’s program in international affairs, I found the posting for my exact job online and set about to earn the necessary qualifications. At the end of my program, I applied and made it through the incredibly competitive selection process. I onboarded quickly, and I was put in a position I loved on the very first day. Like I said: I'm one of the lucky ones. And I know it.

I also know that I want more. And different. And bigger. And better.

And so I struggle. Is it fair to expect lightening to strike twice? Can I justify moving on from such a good job to purse something different? Is it a waste of my technical skills to focus on the soft skills of empowerment and engagement and communication? What about all those people who hate their jobs? Am I somehow stealing a slice of their potential by asking the Universe to shine on me, again?

I have been working with my own coach about this topic.

And then tonight I was talking to a friend over Holiday Happy Hour drinks. And I told him that I’m feeling greedy and entitled for thinking I could do this new thing. And he stopped me and asked, really? how you feel is greedy? And I said, yes, that’s the best word I can think of to use. And then he said the most magical thing, you don’t seem greedy to me. You seem hungry. And it’s good to be hungry.

And that's when the lights came on.

Hungry is the perfect word to describe my feeling. Seeking. Wanting more. And there is nothing wrong with hungry! When you sit down to eat a delicious banquet of food, there is no expectation that it will sustain you for the rest of your life - no matter how exquisitely prepared it is. We are expected to get hungry. In fact, hunger is necessary. It is how our bodies signal that they need more nourishment to sustain health, vitality, and growth. Hunger is what keeps us alive.

So no, I don’t feel greedy! Not anymore. I feel hungry. My hunger is the signal to me that I need more to sustain me. To make me strong and healthy and full of vitality. 

I feel happy and satisfied with where I am today. With what I’ve done. Everything I’ve had before. And I feel no expectation that all of that will keep me satisfied going forward. I will need to keep working for more if I want to keep living and growing. That’s nature. That’s my nature. 

It's good to be hungry.

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How are you Feeling?

This is a post about the mushy side of things. The non-logical. The instinctive response in the primitive part of our brains. This is a blog about feelings. 

Because it turns out: feelings are the key to everything. I mentioned last time how important feelings are for determining when something is wrong. And also for signaling the strength of our resolve to make a change. I believe negative emotions are a good thing! They provide critical information. 

They also can be a trap.

The trouble with negative emotions is that they feel so awful. And because we don’t want to feel that way, we set off in search of the cause. To discover the thing we need to root out to make this feeling go away. And that’s good. It’s important to name your problem! The trouble is: if you’re not careful, all that good, important work can conspire to keep you stuck. Sitting in your puddle of tears, overcome with anger or boredom or sadness or disappointment. 

Have you ever been too hungry to decide what to eat? 

I have. Not starving-hungry. Just hungry. Borderline hangry if I’m honest. And maybe it was the the lack of calories flowing to my brain, but no matter how well I understood my need—my stomach was growling, this wasn’t a mystery—I just couldn't decide what to eat. I had a perfectly defined problem and no ability to solve it. 

All negative feelings can be like that. When we go on the hunt to discover the source of our pain, we usually find it. And that knowing, the focus we bring to the source of our trouble, traps us in a loop. I feel pain—I think of the cause of my pain—I feel more pain—I think of the cause of my pain—I feel more pain—…

And no matter how hard we try to logic ourselves out of the situation, we struggle. Negative emotions focus the mind. And that is the last thing we need! Creative, optimistic solutions are born in expanded, untroubled minds. We actually need to feel good to figure out how to feel good.  

So how do we do that?!

We imagine. We envision the beautiful, inspiring future when this particular problem is solved. We see ourselves living that new life, and we let ourselves feel how our future imagined-self is feeling. We find the most exciting and energizing piece of that vision and focus our attention there. Enthusiasm is key. It lets us know how likely we are to do the work to achieve a future free of this particular problem. And it powers the logical centers of our brain with a jolt of creativity, giving us a chance to find a solution and map out a path to that daydream.

Sounds easy, right? It’s not.

How many times have you been furious and thought I know this feeling isn’t serving me. I should focus on gratitude. This situation is horrible, but I am blessed in so many ways. And then immediately also thought, Oh shut up with that hippy crap! I’m pissed! 

(Just me?)

Strong emotional reactions actually rob the logical portions of our brains of blood and nutrients. Instinctive responses are strong. It’s hard to out-smart Mother Nature! But you can trick her for a minute. And that is often the opening that you need. Get some exercise, have sex, watch that movie that always gives you big belly laughs. Distract yourself from the pain-focus-loop and flood your brain with happy hormones. Let your physiology get you part-way down the road toward imagining your bright future. Then try. 

If the future you envision isn’t motivating enough, create a new one! The strength of your emotional connection to your goal will determine your success in achieving it. Find the feeling that makes you say, Hell yes! I want that! Don’t settle for, well, at least it’s better than this… That won’t open you up enough to creative possibilities. And creative possibilities are the whole point. 

What do you do if you generate too many possible solutions? Your feelings can help there, too. Start with the one that gives you the most energy. That feels the most natural. That speaks to you most clearly.

I told you: feelings are the key to everything.

A note of caution: some problems can be too difficult to solve alone. If you find yourself with lackluster visions of your future, consider finding a coach to help you shift perspective and expand your view. If you find yourself stuck much deeper than that, consider speaking to a counselor. Some feelings are too tangled to be dissected without professional guidance. It happens. And it’s absolutely OK.

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References:

The Desire Map: A Guide to Creating Goals With Soul (affiliate link) by Danielle Laporte

Mastery by Robert Greene

Rework by Jason Fried and David Heinemeier Hansson

Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard by Chip and Dan Heath

The Truth about Leadership by James M. Kouzes and Barry Z. Posner

What's Your Problem?

What’s Your Problem?

That is Question #1 on the path to doing the impossible. In coaching conversations we ask, “what is the best use of our time together?” Or, “Is there anything in particular you’d like to work on today?” But we all know that we really mean, “what’s the deal?” “What’s not working?” “What's the problem?” 

If you have a burning desire to do something amazing, or feel a deep need to make something right, or you’re bored and looking around for something new, you have a problem. And the start of the solution is to name it. 

That’s not always easy.

From the archive. I developed my "what's your problem?" face at a young age.

Problems can be overwhelming and tricky. They bask in uncertainty. They hide behind our assumptions. They feed on our insecurity, on the fact that we are only one person and this is a big world. They convince us that we can only make a small dent, so why try at all. Problems are jerks.

And just like your bully older brother, you overcome your problem by taking its power away. By tempering your emotional reaction and using your critical thinking skills to dig down to the root of what’s wrong. 

Let’s be clear: I am not at all advocating that you solve your problem by ignoring it (as much as that worked when your brother would not stop poking you on the car ride to Ohio). And I am not advocating that you bury your emotions or pretend things don’t bother you, either. 

Your emotions are vital. The strength of your reaction signals the strength of your commitment to solving the issue! But it's important to set the emotional charge aside to give yourself space to do some discovery. Maybe even schedule a time to think or write about what’s bothering you. Set up a business meeting with your problem. Treat it professionally. Just for a few hours refuse to take it personally. Pick a time when you are fresh and separated from the issue. If you struggle with something at work, for example, try Saturday morning when the house is still quiet.

Early morning in a quiet house is my favorite time to interrogate a problem. After coffee. I have a clear head. And I haven’t used up any of my creativity or willpower, yet. My brain is as focused and capable as it ever will be. 

Then ask yourself some questions:

What’s alerting me that something needs to change? What is that feeling? Anger. Sadness. Overwhelm. Boredom. Longing. Hope. —Don’t focus on what is causing the feeling just yet. Simply name the feeling.

When is the feeling strongest? What situations generate it the most?

What is my inner voice telling me in those moments? What does my gut have to say?

What is the story I’m making up about why this is taking place? (Hat tip to Brene Brown). —Write that story down!

What about my story is true? —Even made-up stories are built out of facts. Circle or highlight the observed facts.

What about my story is something I assumed? —We all fill in gaps in our knowledge with our assumptions about how the world works. It's what brains do. And it doesn’t mean that we're wrong! Your assumption could be 100% correct. Notice those assumptions so you can challenge them. Circle or highlight the parts of your story that you did not observe but filled in with your understanding of the world or of a particular person, in a different color. 

When have I been wrong about those assumptions? —Look at your assumptions and write down at least one time when that assumption was false. 

What is my problem? —Look back over everything and name the thing that needs to change.

An example:

The other day we were having a conversation about a large organization’s idea to change their promotion process to be more Google-like, requiring employees to self-nominate for promotions and raises. The whole concept upset me. Mere minutes of searching online turned up article after article about how women and minorities are statistically less likely to self-nominate for promotion than white men. And that just made me more upset. They should know better!

So I took my own medicine and I sat down to think about the problem one peaceful evening (with a skinny margarita to fortify me).

What is alerting me that something needs to change? What is that feeling? —Anger, Disbelief, Disappointment.

When is the feeling strongest? What situations generate it the most? —When I found out about the new promotion criteria. When I easily found articles and studies that show it will be bad for women.

What is my inner voice telling me in those moments? What does my gut have to say? —THIS IS BULLSHIT! Why are we still having these conversations?!

What is the story I’m making up about why this is taking place? (Hat tip to Brene Brown). —The leaders of this organization were so quick to make a change that that failed to spend five minutes on Google or take a quick glance through the Harvard Business Review to see if there might just be a downside to their master plan. Once it is in place, the organization is going to be overrun with jerks who self-nominate like crazy and the hard-working, diligent, women, minorities, and men without a mega-competitive streak are going to be left in the dust. Everything is going to go to hell!

What about my story is true? —The leaders were quick to make a decision. Competitive jerks do self-promote more than non-competitive people. It only took a few minutes to discover the downside. 

What about my story is something I assumed? —The leaders didn’t do any work to discover the down-side of their plan. Nothing can be done to empower or support the non-competitive, diligent people to encourage them to self-promote at higher frequency. 

When have I been wrong about those assumptions? —The leaders are super smart. They make their living weighing the up- and downside of decisions. I make my living empowering people to overcome incredible obstacles. 

What is my problem? —We need bigger systems that empower women and minorities so we feel part of the whole and motivated to self-promote our incredible skills (without feeling slimy). It is important to me and to many people I know, but it isn’t pervasive enough. The statistics are real.

My problem is that society needs to change. We need more women and minorities at higher levels in organizations. And to get them there, we need more women and minorities at higher levels in organizations... This is always my problem. A reoccurring theme that surges when I deal with large organizations, especially in government or the military. I have been dealing with this for a while now. 

And I am motivated to be part of the solution. My strong emotional reaction tells me so.

The thing you name might be simple and small and easily fixed. Great! It also might be enormous and overwhelming and incredibly difficult to fix. And that’s great, too! Don’t let the size or scale of your problem overwhelm you. Every solution starts with a single step. And you’re taking it. Name Your Problem. And you’re already on your way!

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References:

Getting There: A Book of Mentors by Gillian Zoe Segal

Mastery by Robert Greene

Rework by Jason Fried and David Heinemeier Hansson

Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard by Chip and Dan Heath

The Truth about Leadership by James M. Kouzes and Barry Z. Posner

How To Do The Impossible

All my life I have been a problem-solver. I think it’s in my blood. My older brother scolded me, one time, to never complain unless you are going to do something about it. And I took that to heart. When I see something that needs fixing, I can’t help myself from coming up with solutions. And nothing gets my creativity flowing more than a problem that everyone else has decided is impossible. I live for that type of challenge! And I’ve made a career out of it.

My sole purpose has been to assemble the right expertise, information, technology, resources, and equipment to overcome insurmountable challenge. And I’ve made a little name for myself in my tiny corner of the world. I’ve become the go-to. The person you call when you're in a tough spot and you need an idea, fast. Because I’m an optimist. And I’m an experimentalist. And I am comfortable with open-ended tasks with uncertain futures. And solving hard problems comes naturally to me.

It wasn’t until my plate got too full and I realized I needed an army of problem-solvers to tackle all our work that I started to think critically about how I do what I do. When something comes naturally, it’s hard to realize you’re even doing it, let alone get into the step-by-steps of how you’re doing it. It took a lot of self-reflection and introspection. And I am working to communicate and educate and mentor the problem-solvers that surround me. To share my process as widely as possible. 

In the midst of all that introspection, I realized that I could describe what to do to accomplish the impossible, but I didn’t know anything about why it works. I had developed another blindspot by doing what I do naturally. 

Discovering why it works became my mission. 

First, because people don’t love to be told what to do, even from successful mentors. They are much more motivated if you can explain why you’re doing what you do and then give them the freedom to apply those concepts in their own way. Discovering why became mandatory to achieve my—selfish—goal to create an army of problem-solvers who could take work off my plate. 

More importantly, tho, I realized that discovering the underlying why would help me uncover my weaknesses and focus my efforts to become even better. And it also would be necessary if I ever wanted to move into a different industry, where the processes weren't as well defined. Or if I wanted to enable others to solve challenges that had nothing to do with our work. Or if I started a training and coaching company, called Tailored Output, and needed to create an impactful and repeatable process that would empower clients to design tremendous and fulfilling lives.

That last one sealed the deal. 

Not only do I need to build an army of problem-solvers to get more work accomplished at work, I want to help create an army of problem-solvers worldwide, working to tackle the nearly-infinite number of nearly-impossible problems that face humanity. And so I am on a quest to understand and communicate how to do the impossible, and also why it works. 

My research, so far, has taken me far and wide. I have learned about the importance of listening to your natural inclination and discovering your natural talents. Of working on projects of deep significance to you regardless of what others think should be important. Of having the right mindset and perspective to continue on in the face of difficulty. Of finding great mentors and developing new skills. Of learning all you can about your focus area and also about unrelated topics that interest you. Of maintaining your physical and mental health. Of taking a big leap before you think you’re ready. Of experimenting and learning from your mistakes and also from your successes. Of finding teammates that complement your weaknesses with their strengths. Of developing your leadership and communicating effectively because we accomplish more together than we ever could alone.

And that is just the start!

Nobody tell the leasing office!

I’ve pulled in so much information that I couldn’t keep it all in my head. Or visualize it usefully on my laptop screen. And so even though it makes me feel ridiculously analogue, I’ve dedicated two walls in my apartment to this work. And there is no end in sight. 

I’ll admit, it took me a while to find my voice on this blog. I didn’t want to simply take up space with words. My goal is to share something valuable. And I think I have finally found something worthwhile to say. I believe that we all want to do great things. And sometimes great things seem impossible. The only solution, then, is for every person to learn HOW TO DO THE IMPOSSIBLE. 

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My Desire Map

I had high expectations when I first opened The Desire Map. I’ve read my share of self-help books that couldn't possibly help anyone, but this book seemed different. And I really wanted it to be great. In fact, I needed it to be great. I was searching for something to free me from the check-lists and striving and go-hard-go-fast attitude that was running me ragged. So I was immediately interested when I found what seemed like a solution: a process that rejected actionable, measurable goals with deadlines (that just become yet another to-do list), and instead promised to first determine how I want to feel and then help me set goals that will accomplish my desired feelings. 

I wasn’t disappointed.

It took me a while to discover my Core Desired Feelings. I worked through the process in the second half of The Desire Map over multiple late-Spring evenings, sitting on my patio. Often with a glass of wine. Basking in the soothing atmosphere. I didn’t work on them after overly stress-filled days, or when I was in a rush, or when I had too much on my mind. I wanted to breathe. And do them right.

I discovered my Core Desired Feelings on May 9, 2014. 

I was working through the final steps of the process, reading definitions, saying words out loud and sensing how they made me feel. Eliminating any that didn’t sound right or feel right or look right on the page. And then—all at once—six little words ripped my heart out.

Authentic. Brilliant. In Awe. At Peace.

They hit me with a tidal wave of emotion. I was exhausted. And exhilarated. And overwhelmed. I had never seen anything so true about myself. In any shape or form. And I cried. Oh did I cry.

I tried them on for a few days, and then a few months. And I started to see the connection between those feelings in every decision in my life. The things I wanted to do. The things I didn’t want to do. And the burning feeling inside me that something was amiss—that action was required—when I wasn't feeling the way I want to feel. I linked them to my work. I crafted them into a vision for how I want to exist on my team. And I started passing out copies of The Desire Map to everyone I know.

I was all in.

When the new year rolled around, I used them as my guide to set my intentions for 2015. I was in love with the idea of dedicating my energy to feeling good. To establishing happiness as my metric for success. 

Throughout 2015, I have continued to refine my Core Desired Feelings. My initial selections felt great. And it also was my first bite at the apple. I knew from reading The Desire Map that CDFs can become more refined over time. As our comfort with the concept grows, we are able to dig deeper within ourselves and get closer to the true core of our desire.

I was no acceptation.

Authentic and Brilliant expanded and rolled up together into Vitality. It is a word I use frequently to describe how I feel after an amazing meal, a wonderful workout, or a restorative night's sleep. All times that I would like to recreate as much as possible. When I looked up the definition, I realized Vitality fits me perfectly.

At Peace was a harder one. I wanted to be more specific. What, I asked myself, was preventing me from feeling At Peace? And the words flooded in: restriction, confinement, rules, regulations, asking permission. It wasn’t peace I was searching for, it was freedom. But then that wasn’t really enough. I wanted to feel abundant energy, and immensely capable of creating the life of my dreams. It turns out: that's also my definition of Vitality.

I felt a little silly, actually, that it took me more than a year to hone in on that word. I use it all the time! 

In Awe, I thought, would be the easy one. I knew exactly what I meant: the feeling when you see the ocean for the first time. That's Awe. And then I realized that I also get that feeling when I am with a true expert, someone who has command of their subject and also a passionate drive and enthusiasm for their work. There is a reverence about Awe that doesn't quite fit in that situation. I realized that with the experts, I was not only impressed, I also wanted to understand them and be just like them. There was an element of Curiosity. Of how do you do it?

I expanded In Awe to Childlike Wonder to capture that feeling. And then I was done. 

Except, no. There was something missing. A nagging feeling in my bones. And I walked around with it for a while not knowing what to do. I read through my journal for the last year. I looked back at my entries in my Desire Map Planner (affiliate link). And it hit me like a ton of bricks:

I was still in the scientist-mind. Protecting myself. Scared to say that I also long for the mushy stuff. The stuff that requires someone else. Risk of rejection. Vulnerability and recovery. I act on my desire to know others and be known every single day. And yet I was afraid to put it in print. Until now.

My Core Desired Feelings:

Vitality. Connection. Childlike Wonder. 

And I am thrilled! You might be thinking, what's the point? Your new Core Desired Feelings aren't all that different from your original list, why spend all this time refining them? Danielle LaPorte has a great quote to answer that. She says,

“Knowing how you want to feel is the most potent form of clarity that you can have. Generating those feelings is the most powerfully creative thing you can do with your life.”

Clarity is important. My Core Desired Feelings are the foundation for my hopes and dreams, my goals and plans. My Life's Work is to create situations where they are made manifest, because these feelings are the key to my happiness. The original solution was excellent, and a great place to start. But because we are talking about my future happiness, refinement is worth the effort.

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References:

The Desire Map: A Guide to Creating Goals With Soul (affiliate link) by Danielle Laporte

Writer's Block

My writer's block broke last week. 

I knew The Alchemist was a true story after reading just three (kindle) pages. The author, Paulo Coelho, explains his inspiration in the forward, “…I wanted to write about my soul. I wanted to write about my quest to find my treasure. I wanted to follow the omens, because I knew even then that the omens are the language of God.” 

I know that feeling. 

Stronger still, I know the opposite of that feeling. In just a few lines he cut to the heart of my own writing and (then) writers block. The cover photo on my first blog page reads, “Her mouth speaks from that which fills her heart." Luke 6:45. I write like a motherfucker when my heart is so overfull that it spills out of my fingertips and onto the page. When I have too much inside to process it all. When my soul is searching for answers… Or has found the answer but needs to educate my mind. 

I thought for a while that things were just too good. I had nothing more to say. I had named my fears. I had captured my worth. I had done the hard work that only can be done after years of fighting to survive. It had been 18 months. How much more could a heart have to say about that? 

I rely heavily on the image of a climb. Strenuous labor, sometimes danger, with an awe-inspiring reward at the top. Peace. Height. Perspective. Accomplishment. Proximity to the heavens. Throwing myself off a cliff in search of flight (I do that). Climbing back up to the top after landing hard (I do that, too). 

I took this picture. In Alaska. It was amazing. Everyone should go there!

I have been at the high-point of a mid-sized peak in my professional life for quite a while. At the top of my game. Able to see the mountain range of higher peaks all around me. Unsure of which one to chose next. Meanwhile, I have been throwing my heart off successively higher cliffs, hoping for flight and never quite achieving it. Strengthening my legs with each new climb.

Now, after the latest great near-flight-and-climb, my heart and soul and mind are for the first time together at the top of the same mountain, gazing out over the array of possibilities. Huddled together for warmth. Paralyzed. Terrified. Trying to convince themselves that everything will be OK. Making plans to take the next step. But also wondering if maybe (just maybe) they could magic a staircase or a rope-bridge and skip the descent required to get to the base of the next new mountain.

I was hiding my terror with my refusal to write it down. I see that now.

My block broke when I realized: I am The Alchemist’s Santiago fifteen minutes before he decides to sell his sheep. Dreaming about treasure. Drawn to the possibility of adventure. Worried about what will happen to his flock if he decides to leave. I knew from the beginning that The Alchemist was a true story, I just didn’t realize it would be my true story.

I highlighted a line from the description of Santiago’s struggle to decide. I can imagine that in another light, it could be taken as an accomplishment, but I found it to be sad: “In two years he had learned everything about shepherding…” He had struck out on his own path when he became a shepherd. And he was good at it. Born to do it some might even say. He struggled through the tough lessons, sure. But he had overcome them all. And there was nothing new to learn. 

That little line burned my soul.

I have said that I was born to do my job. I feel it! I am good at it. I have accomplished things in my short time that most people never achieve in an entire career. I am frequently praised (and just as frequently admonished) for punching well above my weight. I get it. And I get it done. And I could advance quickly. I could march up the ladder and take it all over and become the executive my mentors want me to be. And it will be hard. And it will come at a cost. And there will be days that I struggle to keep my head above water. But it won’t ever be anything new. It will be more volume. More responsibility. Marginally more skill. But nothing that shakes my core. Nothing that gut-checks me with fear-of-failure or requires me to have faith in parts of me that I have never exercised before. Nothing that lives up to the unconventional, put-all-my-eggs-in-one-basket, make-a-decision-and-jump-off-a-cliff girl I once was and now am again. 

But still, my work is important. If I don’t do it, it won’t be the same. My sheep need me!

How do I stop doing the thing I was born to do without feeling like I am betraying myself and my whole history? How do I overcome the sense that I could be throwing it all away? Santiago’s story helps there, too. First, in pursuit of his treasure, he continually relies on the lessons he learned as a shepherd. And, for that matter, he never would have been on his adventure in the first place if he hadn’t dreamed of treasure while asleep with his flock. He was fulfilling his Personal Legend even as a shepherd, even though he didn’t know it. It was all a single, connected path.

I like that. 

I would never have dreamed of my new mountain to climb if it wasn’t for my burning desire to be good at the job I was born to do, and if I never had thrown my heart off the cliff for a relationship that—in the end—wasn’t for me. And ever since the moment I realized where I need to go, and named it, things have been falling into place quite easily. But I expected that, too. My life has always been like that. The King of Salem tells Santiago, “…when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you achieve it.” And the Universe sends me presents all the time…

And so now, here I am. Ready to sell my flock. Knowing that I will be both protected and tested at each new turn. Excited by the idea of summiting a new peak. Anticipating all the growth and new strength required to climb down from my current perch and back up again. Overwhelmed by the good fortune of having my heart and soul and mind all together for once. But also moving deliberately, so that I don’t miss the gifts of the Universe and the signs placed along my way. Quieting my terror by repeating the thought that “people need not fear the unknown if they are capable of achieving what they need and want.”

I am that capable. I always have been. And with that realization, I am already half-way down my little mountain. Enjoying the relative ease of my descent. Knowing that I have all the necessary tools for the next big climb.

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References:

The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho