Set Yourself Up for Success

Maybe it seems like cheating. But it’s not. Maybe it feels like you’re getting away with something. But you’re not. Maybe you think you should be able to just do it (whatever it is). So you shouldn’t have to try to trick yourself. But you know that’s not how it actually works.

Every time you’ve ever successfully accomplished something, hasn’t it has been (at least in part) in spite of yourself? Hasn’t every new habit you’ve ever created required you to (at least in part) trick yourself into it?

Hacking. Planning. Manipulating. Orchestrating your environment into a supportive situation is mandatory. 

You must set yourself up for success.

What does that mean in practice? It depends on what you are trying to do.

An example:

Not-quite Perfect Breakfast.

Last weekend, we planned to go for a long jog and then grab Acai Bowls at a local juicer-y for breakfast. And we did that. Only not all at once. You see, the run route I planned brought us back past our apartment on the way to breakfast. So we stopped. We had more coffee, we took showers, and then we got on our way to acquiring a perfect breakfast. 

When I mentioned our morning to my sister she said, oh yea, I can never run past the house or it’s over.

We had gone three miles by the time we quit, so it wasn’t a total waste of a run. But the point is: I could have just as easily planned a route that didn’t have a convenient stop-off point. I could have set myself up for success.

Because it’s mandatory.

For the same reason we throw away all our junk food as the first step on any diet. Or pack our lunch the night before to keep ourselves out of the drive through between stressful meetings. Or wake up an hour earlier to take advantage of the quite and meditate. 

Trying to force it. To use will power. To just do it. Never works.

Because we get tired. And hot. And hungry. Our house gets noisy. And we know that it will happen. Because it always does. We can predict what will get in our way. We can foresee what might derail our goals. 

So we have to set ourselves up to successfully persevere past those problems. 

We have to think through our run route and imagine what we will want to do when the apartment building becomes visible in the distance. And then choose to go another way. We don’t even have to use that much imagination. I’ve run that route before! I know exactly what it feels like to see the cool, air-conditioned windows in the distance. 

I know the same is true for you. You can look at your schedule, your routine, and know exactly what you will feel like when the alarm goes off at 8 AM and the house is wild. Do you feel like meditating? Or when the alarm goes of at 7 AM and you could hear a pin drop. What about then?

If you have trouble imagining the obstacles that might arise, replay your path in your head and notice any time you think you should do something or that you just need to do something to keep moving forward. Should and Just are signals that you plan to rely on willpower. And you won’t always have a full supply of that. What if you could avoid the obstacle instead of having to overcome it?

You can! You can set yourself up for success.

Name your goal. Describe your plan. (Mentally) walk your path. What will you feel? What obstacles will arise? Then decide: how will you plan ahead, pre-stage, or change your environment to help keep you moving forward in spite of them? How will you set yourself up for success?

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References:

Better Than Before: What I Learned About Making and Breaking Habits--to Sleep More, Quite Sugar, Procrastinate Less, and Generally Build a Happier Life by Gretchen Rubin

Rework by Jason Fried and David Heinemeier Hansson

Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard by Chip and Dan Heath

Foolish? Or Worse?

Would you rather know you have a problem at 20 ft or at 2 ft?

That’s a question Tony Blauer asked during his Be Your Own Bodyguard seminar. It was in the context of a stranger following you down a dark street. Would you rather turn around and yell, hey! are you following me? when the stranger is eight paces back or wait to be sure when you’re already within arms reach? If you yell, and you’re wrong, you’ll look foolish. If you wait, and you’re right, is that worse?

Would you rather know you have a problem while you still have the space to do something about it? I would. Every time.

Let’s ask that another way.

Would you rather know you have a problem when you’ve spent $10,000 developing a product, or when you’ve spent $1 million? That one’s obvious, right?

How about this?

Would you rather know you have a problem after you’ve spent 15 hours on your work, or after you’ve spent 15 weeks? 

Until we ask, we can’t know. Until we get the question out of us (calling back to the stranger on the street or sharing our creation), we can’t understand the answer. Up until that moment, we are guessing, and hoping, and pouring energy into something that might turn out to be a problem.

Wouldn’t you rather know that while you still have the ability to do something about it? Before you are so emotionally attached to the outcome that you're defensive about a need to change? While you still have resources and energy available to consume? 

What does that even mean?

It means putting your work out into the world once it is just barely enough of a product to stand on its own. Once it has enough information to communicate your message. Once it has the necessary features to approximate your vision. Once your community’s feedback will give you good data and show you were to improve.

A proof of concept. A pilot. A beta version. A test case. A minimum viable product.

It means setting your vision, your idea, your best case. And then getting real about what you really need to complete before you let your idea run wild in the world. What features are a must? Which can wait? What research must be done? What additional work would be tangential at best? What is good enough to communicate a good effort without having to polish to perfection?

Set that standard. Make that thing. And put it out into the world while you still have the resources to improve it.

Because, let’s be honest, you’re going to have to improve it. No matter when you share, you are going to have to modify. No matter how much you polish, you’re going to re-edit and update. You are going to feel foolish about something. You are going to take on board community feedback. You are going to build a 2.0.

Would you rather learn what that is at 20 ft or at 2 ft?

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References:

a16z Podcast: Beyond Lean Startups with Eric Ries

Antifragile: Things That Gain from Disorder (Incerto) by Nassim Nicholas Taleb

Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear by Elizabeth Gilbert

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brene Brown

Go Ahead, Jump

What do you think about skydiving? Not appealing? Ok. Think of any other comfort-zone-stretching activity. The one you want to do, and you know will be good for you, but you just can’t… Let me know how you feel about that activity after you read through to the end. ~julie

Have you heard about Risk Compensation? The idea is that we all have our own inborn Risk Tolerance — think of it as a set amount to Risk we are willing to take — and when we increase safety, we feel more comfortable and therefore take more chances, to move ourselves back to our desired level of Risk. 

The theory of Risk Compensation comes from analyses of vehicle-related deaths before and after seat belts became mandatory. It turns out, seat belts made drivers safer and at the same time made pedestrians less safe, because the seat-belted drivers took more Risk: speeding, changing lanes quickly, running red lights… 

It’s a cautionary tale. And similar examples abound.

If Risk Compensation is real — and I believe that it is —then efforts to increase safety often will backfire. People will respond by taking more chances in a (subconscious) effort to achieve their inborn Risk Tolerance. 

It’s also encouraging. 

If Risk Compensation is real — and I believe that it is — then we can use it to our advantage. We can trick ourselves into action. Force ourselves out of our comfort zones, without feeling so forced.

Let’s take the driver example.

How do you compel a person to be more aggressive while driving? Increase safety measures, like wearing seat belts or installing airbags (as shown in the studies). Or send them to an elite driver training school, like a race car driver would attend. We’ll call these options Preparation: Changing the environment or ourselves so that we are comfortable taking action (speeding). 

Now imagine that your seat belt is broken, the air bags don’t work, and the tires are bald. If your beloved suffered a terrible accident and was bleeding profusely, would you speed to get him to the hospital? Of course! Because you'd have a Purpose. 

Preparation and Purpose. Two things that can move you swiftly over your barrier from inaction to action, while maintaining your inborn Risk Tolerance.

Special thanks to Cory at Tailored Financials for helping me think through Risk Compensation. And for sketching the first version of this graphic.

How about that skydiving example?

Neither Cory nor I would ever elect to jump out of a perfectly good airplane, without a parachute.  That would far exceed our Risk Tolerance. But, with a little bit of Purpose (my desire to have fun) and a ton of Preparation (a skydiving instructor strapped to my back and poised to pull the cord) I happily jumped. Cory is an Army Ranger. He completed his Preparation (he was trained and practiced), he had a Purpose (it’s his job), and he also leapt from a fully-functional airplane. 

Purpose and Preparation. Increase either (or both) enough and you can motivate yourself to do anything.* Even when the task seems way outside your comfort zone.

Want to travel the world? Can you connect that desire to a compelling Purpose? Or Prepare through detailed research and planning?

Want to quit your job? Can you envision your alternate future and feel the depth of your future wellbeing? Can you lay the groundwork for financial stability?

Want to say I love you? Can you connect speaking your truth to a personal value? And do the inner work necessary to sit with your own vulnerability? 

What are the things that you want to do? The I wish I coulds…  The only ifs… The stretch goals that might tear you apart? 

What purpose do they serve in your life? How can you connect them to your values, your desires, your wellbeing? How can you prepare to take them on? What can you learn? Who around you can help?

Use your natural tendency for Risk Compensation and trick yourself into action!

*Note: There may be some things that no amount of Purpose or Preparation will ever compel you to do. I imagine those things aren’t all that appealing, either. But it is important to understand the limits of the model. 

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References:

Resilience: Why Things Bounce Back by Andrew Zolli and Ann Marie Healy

How to Accomplish The Impossible

I believe we all want to to do great things, and sometimes great things seem impossible. I built Tailored Output to be a solution, to help you accomplish The Impossible.

And while I have quite a bit of experience in this realm, I’ve dedicated the last two years to research. To understanding what exactly goes into that phase: Accomplish the Impossible. Because my brain doesn’t work like your brain. And my way might not work in your case. What are the underlying principals? What are the universal truths? 

This research has been the foundation for my blog. And my coaching work. And my workshop development. It is everything to me because it is everything I stand for: helping people do amazing things. 

If I had to boil down the research into a secret to accomplishing The Impossible it would be this:

Keep asking the right questions. 

Master a subject. Solve a problem. Create something original. Lead (instead of manage). These are all incredibly hard things. And they all take an enormous amount of effort. You have to do something, often many things. And determining what to do starts with inquiry.

The research wall has grown quite a bit since I first posted a photo in November. I'm working on portable solutions, now. Notebooks and OneNote to the rescue.

Accomplishing The Impossible is not a step-by-step system. Or a five-point plan. And anyone who tells you otherwise is lying. It’s not linear. There is no checklist. You are working to solve a hard problem. By definition it wont be easy or fast or cheap. It will be a drawn-out process that you can’t sprint through and survive. 

How will you know what to do? What skills do you bring to the solution? What motivates you most about this issue? What do you need to learn? How will you protect your health and creativity? What friends can you enlist to help?

The questions are the same no matter your project, no matter the problem you are working to solve. It is the answers that carry all the creativity. All the value. All the progress. And nobody can uncover those answers, but you.

I’ve built a kind-of framework for Accomplishing the Impossible. Like I said, these aren’t steps. They’re questions. And they are questions that you will need to answer and re-answer over and over as you work toward your goal. 

Self-Awareness

• What is the problem I want to help solve? What part of this problem is important to me?

• How do I feel? How do I want to feel? What elements of the solution are most energizing to me?

• What are my strengths? What are my talents? What magic do I have to apply to this solution?

• What is my inclination? What are my interests? What am I most curious to pursue?

• What are my values? What principles do I stand for no matter the circumstance?

Learning and Growth

• What do I have to learn? And where can I get that knowledge? What mentors can I find?

• What can I learn from the attempts others have made to solve this problem? How could I apply that knowledge in my own way?

• What can I do to give myself mental breaks? How can I allow my subconscious adequate time and energy to make connections my conscious brain cannot find?

• What is my definition of success? What standards will I hold myself to? What is good enough?

• How can I embody the spirit of an eight-year old? What can I do to unleash my curiosity? What questions can I ask, that I am too afraid to ask? What’s obvious?

Vision and Planning

• What is my ideal future? What is the picture I paint in my mind when I think about the day when this problem is solved? How does that make me feel?

• What is the most important thing for me to do next? Why is this problem hard? What is the hardest part of this problem? Where is my energy best spent? What can I take off my plate to make more room for what matters?

• What are the next few steps I need to take? When will I take them? Can I commit or is there something getting in my way? What can I do to shrink the task and overcome those barriers?

• What risk am I comfortable taking? What risk do I see in my plan? How can I mitigate some risk and buy myself the ability to take bold action?

Influence and Inviting

• What is my story? What is my why? What can I do to share? How can I become more clear?

• What gaps are there in my strengths and inclination? Who has the strengths and inclination to fill those gaps? How can I reach them?

• When does the work become too much? How can I find others with the same or similar goals? How can we best share the burden and help each other move forward?

• What is my ideal team dynamic? How do I work best with others? Who do I most want to have in my circle? How can I ensure alignment on values and objectives?

• Who will bring in alternative perspectives and unique experience that the team desperately needs?

• How do I lead this effort? What skills must I hone to ensure we are moving in the right direction? How do I best care for my team?

Taking Action!

• Whose permission do I need to take action? (Hint: your own)

• What can I try? How can I ensure that lessons are captured? How do I build learning into my process? Now that I’ve tried something, what can I try next?

• How do I take action in the face of fear? How do I stay the course in the face of fear?

Health (Mental and Physical)

• What does it mean when I fail? How do I manage my feelings in the face of failure?

• How do I respond to external shocks, unexpected outcomes, and high hurdles?

• How do I feel? What trades am I making in my health and wellbeing to accomplish this goal? Are they sustainable? What can I do to promote health and wellbeing? How can I ensure that I am physically capable of the curiosity and creativity needed to accomplish The Impossible?

• What resources do I have available when I feel overwhelmed? Or unworthy of my goals? How do I manage the voice in my head?

Mastery. Achievement. Creativity. Leadership. Life. These are all dynamic situations. As you practice and make progress you will take in new information. And that data will change everything. That’s a good thing! It means it’s working. It means you’re working. And when you get to the point where everything's different (and you will, over and over again) you’ll know what to do next: get out your notebook.

How to accomplish The Impossible? 

More than a decade of experience. Two years of dedicated research. And I don’t have The Answer. Nobody does. That's the point.

We have the questions. Let’s get started.

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As part of this research project I have digested countless books, journal articles, magazine articles, TED Talks, and more. There is an ever growing list of recommended materials on my Resources page. And a full accounting of the source material at the end of each blog post. 

Here, I'd like to highlight the books that have most influenced my understanding of how to accomplish The Impossible. The ones I reread frequently, give as gifts, and cite most often in my work and in my writing.

To date... I should always add that caveat. The research continues! 

The Art of Possibility by Benjamin Zander and Rosamund Stone Zander

Creativity, Inc: Overcoming the Unseen Forces That Stand in the Way of True Inspiration by Ed Catmull and Amy Wallace

The Desire Map: A Guide to Creating Goals With Soul (affiliate link) by Danielle Laporte

Mastery by Robert Greene

Rework by Jason Fried and David Heinemeier Hansson

Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard by Chip and Dan Heath

Tribal Leadership: Leveraging Natural Groups to Build a Thriving Organization by Dave Logan, John King, and Halee Fischer-Wright

Communication Redux

I couldn’t write this post when it was scheduled in April because I didn’t have anything to say. #irony That block set me on the path toward creating my Rise & Shine! weekly email (subscribe here), and eight weeks later, the words suddenly found me. ~julie

How many times have you been more upset because someone failed to tell you about their mistake, than you (claim) you would have been about the mistake in the first place?

I’m going to guess a million.

It’s an unrealistic guess, if you apply logic, but it feels right, doesn’t it?

A million times. Every. Single. Time. All the times. The cover-up was more upsetting than the mistake. And we tell them that. And we believe it. And everyone always promises to do better. To tell us next time. To communicate.

And then what happens?

That number doesn’t get to feel like a million by magic. No matter how many times we say it. No matter how strongly we believe it. We still wind up in situations that are 10x worse because someone failed to communicate. Because they didn’t tell us when they first had an inkling there was a problem. Because they didn’t notify us when they changed their mind. Because they thought it would all work out and we’d never find out. And it was such a minor thing anyway… 

Why? 

What have we done to create this environment?

Yup. That’s right! I’m turning this one right back around.

Some of it is logistics, sure. Sometimes news travels fast. Sometimes it is hard to know what will become a front-page story. What about the other times? What about the times when the people around us hope that it all gets resolved before we find out?

Why do they hope we won’t find out?

What have we done to create an environment were the people around us don’t trust our reaction? Where they believe we’ll shoot the messenger, even when we promise we won’t. Why don’t they change their behavior? What’s holding them back?

And more importantly, what can we do to fix it?

What can we do to encourage the people around us to share bad news? How can we reward our communities for getting real with their problems? For telling us, to our face, when things just aren’t alright? How can we create that kind of trust. In us. Trust that we will listen and process and thank them for their honesty. Trust that we will do all the things we say we would have done every time we correct someone’s failure to communicate.

My take?

It starts with us. We need to set the example. We need to go first. We need to clearly and quickly communicate when we realize things aren’t going right. We need to model curiosity and demonstrate learning and show rational problem-solving. We need to not beat ourselves up (so they believe that we won’t beat them up, either). We need to ask for help (because we need it! and it shows that asking for help is allowed and encourage). We need to calmly weigh options and document lessons and reward solutions. 

How often do we march through the problem-solving process alone? In our own heads (Guilty!). How often do we recognize an issue and overcome an obstacle without anyone noticing? Because we think that is what leaders do: We handle shit (Guilty! Again!). Are we setting the expectation that our teams must also handle their shit? Are we quietly creating a culture where problem-solving is a solo enterprise? Are we subtly displaying contempt for asking for help because we never ask ourselves?

Could all of this be solved if we would just communicate?

If we would bring the team in and show our work. Explain our concerns. Walk through the options. Ask questions! Document lessons. Model our problem-solving technique. 

Could we quiet the fear, build up the trust, and create an environment where it is safe to communicate? Even about the hard stuff? Especially about the hard stuff...

I think we can! If we have the courage to communicate.

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References:

The Hard Thing About Hard Things: Building a Business When There Are No Easy Answers by Ben Horowitz

Rework by Jason Fried and David Heinemeier Hansson

The Truth about Leadership by James M. Kouzes and Barry Z. Posner

Imagine a World Where...

Imagine a world where we all connect our values, our passion, and our strengths to design tremendous and fulfilling lives. Imagine a world where organizations catalyze our gifts with the resources, authority, and opportunity to accomplish The Impossible.

Can you see it? 

That world where everyone moves fluidly between work and life (because really we only have a life). The world where we all feel big and bright and bold. The world where our employers or organizations do everything in their power to help us express our natural power, so that we can accomplish seemingly-impossible tasks that benefit us all.

That’s my vision. 

That’s the picture I paint of a future that I am committed to create. Everything I do and say and build and experience and learn is first held up against that vision. Will this help me get there? Yes? Great! Let’s go! No? Hasta la vista. Some of my best ideas have gone by the wayside because they don’t contribute to my vision. I’ll let somebody else execute on those. They’ll love them and care for them so much more. And I've got enough on my plate!

What’s your vision?

What is the problem you want to help solve? What is the future you want to help create? What will the world look like once you’ve done it? How will it feel? Smell? What will it sound like? How will it taste? 

Paint that picture. That’s your vision. Imagine it. Spend some time with it. Sink into how great it feels.

Can you do it?

I’ve always had an easy time imagining. Trying on the Future is what I call it. And I do it quite a bit. When I am considering a new project. When I am choosing a vacation spot. When I meet a new person. What will it be like if this goes forward? I close my eyes and I picture it. I picture it so hard I can feel it. And then I decide if I like how it feels.

So what, then, is the difference between imagining and vision? I’m glad you asked!

The difference is what you do next. Right after you’ve tried on that future. Did you decide it was pretty meh? Then I recommend you don’t pursue it. Did you feel pretty good and curious about what comes next? Then follow that curiosity. OR, did you open your eyes and immediately start making that future come true? 

That last one? That’s your vision. Something so great, so compelling, so connected to your emotions and your desire that even though it might be far out in the future, it changes your behavior today. That’s vision.

So, come on! Let’s uncover yours!

Start with the prompt I got from Kelly Diels: Imagine a World Where…

Fill in the blank, stream-of-consciousness style. Keep imagining bigger and brighter things until you are all warmed up and excited. And then close your eyes and try on that future. How does it feel? How does it smell? What song is playing in the background?

Find that song! Play it. Close your eyes again. Imagine a World Where… 

What’s happening there? Who's with you? How do you feel? Now what? What are you going to do next? Go back about your business? Ok, that’s fine. Good practice! Keep imagining and streaming your consciousness and completing that prompt and trying on the future, until…

Until you open your eyes and you can’t hold yourself back from making that vision real. Until you can’t shut up about it. 

Stand in that vision! Share it with the world! 

And please, please, please, share it with me! Right here. I can’t wait to Imagine a World Where… and experience the vision that you will help create!

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References:

The Art of Possibility by Benjamin Zander and Rosamund Stone Zander

Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear by Elizabeth Gilbert

Creativity, Inc: Overcoming the Unseen Forces That Stand in the Way of True Inspiration by Ed Catmull and Amy Wallace

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brene Brown

The Desire Map: A Guide to Creating Goals With Soul (affiliate link) by Danielle Laporte

Getting There: A Book of Mentors by Gillian Zoe Segal

Mastery by Robert Greene

Resilience: Why Things Bounce Back by Andrew Zolli and Ann Marie Healy

Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard by Chip and Dan Heath

Think Like a Freak: The Authors of Freakonomics Offer to Retrain Your Brain by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner

Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar by Cheryl Strayed

Tribal Leadership: Leveraging Natural Groups to Build a Thriving Organization by Dave Logan, John King, and Halee Fischer-Wright

The Truth about Leadership by James M. Kouzes and Barry Z. Posner

Self-Love is Hard, Sometimes

Can we talk about self-worth? Because it is at the root of everything important. The health of our relationships. The scale of our creativity. Our willingness to innovate and contribute productively to a team. But that’s not really what I want to talk about…

Can we talk about the fact that self-worth and self-love are hard, sometimes? 

Can we talk about how far away the concept of worthy, now, as Brene Brown puts it, sometimes feels? When we are struggling. And fighting. When we are not living up to our potential, and everyone else’s expectations. When we are feeling misunderstood and alone. And all bought-in to the media messages of beauty and masculinity. And all mixed around backward in our heads. 

No filter. No retouching. No photoshop. Sometimes, just sharing this photo is an act of daring.

I mean… how could I love myself, anyway, when my infomercial face wash hasn’t arrived yet, and I caught a cold and missed my workout three times this week!?

Worthy, now sometimes seems like a lofty goal. A dream. As real as my what I’ll do when I win the lottery plans. In other words: Impossible.

But then again… We’re all about doing The Impossible.

Can we apply the same ideas we use to accomplish The Impossible to help us achieve this lofty goal? Can we paint a vivid picture of the future we want to create? Can we connect to the deep feeling we hope to achieve? Can we get real about where we are now? And then plan the next step (just the next step) toward our goal? Can we find teachers and mentors to help us grow? Can we apply all the same energy and emphasis to this internal goal - self-worth, self-love - as we do to external achievement?

Care to try?

What does self-worth mean to you? Is that something you want to achieve? 

When you paint a picture of your self-loving-self, how does it feel? Name that feeling (freedom, warmth, energy, sunshine, confidence, joy, peace…). How can you make that feeling (just that feeling) more present in your life, today? Even if you’re still not sure about your self-worth.  

What is a step you can take on the path to self-love? Is it building self-trust? Is it practicing self-kindness? Is it deepening self-awareness? Is it exercising self-preservation? What is achievable and practical and can build toward success?

Who can you call upon as a resource? Who can help you understand your path? Who can show you a picture of your worth (from their perspective) that might inform the picture you paint for yourself? Who has been where you are and knows the way forward that worked for them? What professional support can you bring into your life?

What are you going to do next?

I wish I had a magic wand or a secret recipe I could share with you. I wish I could say this is what worked for me. In the past tense. Because it would mean that I’ve achieved worthy, now and all its benefits. 

I wish… 

The truth is, I still struggle with worthiness, sometimes. I’ve come a long way, but I still find myself avoiding the scale after vacation - as if the number has something to say about my value. And I still worry about rejection and let fear get in the way of sharing my ideas. Always looking for one more class or credible reference to bolster what I already know to be true. And I don’t know why I do those things. Why I hold myself back. Because every time I lay it out, and share my vulnerabilities, and brave not being good enough, my courage is rewarded. 

And yet… 

It hasn’t become the habit I wish it would be. Self-worth still eludes me, somedays. Self-love is hard sometimes. I know I’m slipping out of my zone when I find myself judging other people. That’s my warning bell. It’s much easier to hear the nasty words in my head when they are about someone else (the negative self-talk voice-track is sometimes too subtle to detect). 

I could take that opportunity to scold myself. Instead, I get curious about what that judgement says about me. About the way I am feeling. And then I default to self-kindness (and kindness toward others). I talk to myself the way that I would talk to a friend. I remind myself that I am human and flawed and loved and complicated and doing my best (and so is everyone else).

And that seems to get me through it.

How about you? What do you do when self-worth eludes you? What resources work for you that might also work for me? For all of us? We need to help each other. Because self-love is hard sometimes.

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References:

The Art of Possibility by Benjamin Zander and Rosamund Stone Zander

Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear by Elizabeth Gilbert

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brene Brown

The Desire Map: A Guide to Creating Goals With Soul (affiliate link) by Danielle Laporte

The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brene Brown

Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar by Cheryl Strayed

The Unlimited Self: Destroy Limiting Beliefs, Uncover Inner Greatness, and Live the Good Life by Jonathan Heston

Giving (Yourself) Permission

A few years back, I took a self-defense course and worked through the process of becoming a certified instructor. What I like about this particular self-defense system is the emphasis on mindset. On deciding to fight back before you find yourself in a life-or-death situation. On giving yourself permission to defend yourself. 

That is the word they use: Permission.

There were physical aspects of the training, too.

When I first encountered the concept, I couldn't get it out of my head. They were right! I had to actively give myself permission to save my own life. It wasn’t a given. That struck me as odd and a little bit tragic. And it also made me wonder what else in my life required permission.

Think about it. If we (especially we women) need to remind ourselves that we are allowed to defend ourselves—something that seems so primal and fundamental—where else are we holding ourselves back? What else in our lives would we like to do, if only we had permission.

Permission from whom?

Looking around, I realized that very little of the authority I need resides with someone else. Sure, I have bosses. And they have bosses. And even still, for the most part, they’re happy to let me run as far as I am willing to take the consequences upon myself. And yes, there are laws. But I pride myself on being an ethical citizen, so not too much of what I want to do is encumbered by the authorities.

I was waiting around for permission that never was going to come. Because I was waiting for someone to give me something I only could give myself. 

Who could possibly give me permission to save my own life? Who has that authority but me? Similarly, who could possibly give me permission to pursue the life I want to live? Who has that authority but me? Who could possibly give me permission to love myself? Or grow? Or develop significant relationships? Or create something worthwhile? Or contribute to a greater good? Who has that authority but me?

Who has that authority but you?

Where in your life are you waiting for someone to give you permission? To tell you what you are allowed to do? What have you dreamed of doing, if only… If only someone would give you permission? 

You are that somebody. You have that authority. You can give yourself permission. And you can live your dreams.

---

You Are A Professional Athlete

You are! You are a professional athlete, and I can prove it:

1. Do you earn money for work?

2. Is your work primarily physical? (Then, you are a professional athlete)

3. Is your work primarily intellectual?

4. Is your brain part of your body? (Then, you are a professional athlete)

Isn't it time you started acting line one?

Sure, nobody is paying you for your jump shot or your pitching arm. And your salary probably is much less than LeBron's. But that doesn't change the facts: you make your living because of your physical (mental=physical, see above) skills and abilities. 

And yes, your competitive advantage is harder to measure. There are no reliable statistics for good judgement or decision-making skills. No batting average for creativity (although we try, don't we?). That still doesn't change the facts. And yet, we somehow forget. 

This is your reminder: You are a professional athlete. 

And professional athletes take care of their health and value nutrition. Professional athletes cross-train and develop new skills to keep their edge. They design their environment to support their training. They take seasons off. And when the day is done, and they can't possibly take another shot or play another round, they don't. They listen to their bodies (or at least to their coaches) and they rest.

You are a professional athlete (it bears repeating).

So too must you value your health and prioritize nutrition. You must continue learning throughout your career. You must intentionally create a work environment that supports innovation and mental health. And you must give up the workaholic identity that is slowly destroying your mental edge, just like overtraining destroys an athlete's body. 

You must. 

You must do all of these things. Not only because they are good for your health and better for your relationships (they are!). But also because they are your obligation. To your profession. 

Because you are a professional athlete.

---

Engineers Have Values, Too

I could feel them rolling their eyes behind my back. I knew that they were all just humoring me. Going along with the program because I was the one in charge of the agenda. Happy to be out of the office for a few days and willing to put up with pretty-much anything to spend some time in a beautiful place.

We’d taken our technology development team off site for a vision-mission-values focused get-away. They were happy to talk about vision. And all-in on working on mission. And skeptical that they even had values.

I anticipated their reaction. And I was prepared.

I had everyone take the Character Strengths Survey and bring along their results. Then knowing that there was no convincing these data-driven geniuses, I instead proposed a hypothesis. I told them that the values literature says that individuals commit themselves to work that aligns with their Personal Values. And successful teams are built upon a foundation of Shared Values. If the literature is right, I told them, then we already have a set of shared values. Because we are committed, driven, and work as an incredible team. We merely need to uncover them. Want to try it?

They are a curious bunch, and agreed to the experiment. So I asked everyone to reveal their top five and their bottom three Character Strengths. 

We were only a third of the way around the room when their expressions started to change. Their open skepticism shifted to amusement, and I knew they were ready to play. The similarities were striking. My hypothesis withstood the first test.

So we broke into pairs to complete a values discovery exercise. I wanted them to take the Character Strengths work to the next level, to describe their personal values in their own words. And boy did they deliver! One PhD engineer scrawled Kicking Ass across the top of her personal values sheet.

Our Shared Values create the foundation for our Mission. And this graphic generates a lot of laughter during team briefings. We could clean up the language, I guess. But where's the Fun in that?

We brought everyone back together to share and went around the room again. This time we made notes and stars next to the words that got everyone’s heads nodding. And we asked the group to share when words were resonating. We pulled together a list of values we all could get behind. And in one inspired moment, our PhD engineer summed up the feeling in the room, and the words posted on the walls, when she explained, We get the right shit done! It’s that simple. 

And it was that simple. And it was also true. Without intending to do it, we identified our overarching mission. The purpose of our group. In a single morning, in a room full of skeptics, we had uncovered our shared values. We created a shared language about what is important, and a rubric for making decisions about our projects going forward. 

Later, they thanked me. Individually, of course, and honestly, for giving them the time to think about what’s important, and giving them a venue to share with people they respect. They felt seen and heard. They felt connected to the team in a whole new way. And most importantly, they knew that their values would be considered when we made decisions that would effect their work.

I repeated this same process in a much larger group of much more skeptical scientists and engineers. The outcome was the same. As much as they might deny it, or roll their eyes about it, exercises like this are necessary even the highest technology groups. Engineers have values, too. And we're all better off when we recognize them.

---

References:

The Art of Doing: How Superachievers Do What They Do and How They Do It So Well by Camille Sweeney and Josh Grosfield

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brene Brown

Tribal Leadership: Leveraging Natural Groups to Build a Thriving Organization by Dave Logan, John King, and Halee Fischer-Wright

The Truth about Leadership by James M. Kouzes and Barry Z. Posner

Leaders Go First

If you can’t respect the person, respect the position, he told me, as if that’s how respect works. As if trust can be conferred on a chair. Or loyalty strewn about the office walls. Sensing my hesitation, my inability to flip a switch and make respect fly out, his demanding turned quickly to threatening. It’s her team. It’s her vision. Do what she says. He didn’t say, or else, but I felt it.

Never mind that she had no vision. Never mind that she bullied the team. Never mind that her intentions seemed completely self-serving. Respect the position. 

Does that sound like someone you know? Someone you see in the mirror every day?

Maybe it isn’t so extreme. Maybe your vision is compelling and your instructions are sound. And you’re too busy to bully! Check yourself anyway. Be honest. Do you expect respect? Do you expect trust? Do you expect loyalty? 

What are you doing to cultivate those things?

In my situation, the answer would have been, nothing. We were in a bad place. Veterans had quit. The workload was high. And chaos was her favorite management style. When I pushed back, to protect myself from burnout and bullying and dread, higher management stepped in to help. And his prescription was an attitude adjustment. For me. 

It didn’t work. 

My management had fallen into a common trap: They thought that because the organization called them leaders, they deserved the spoils of leadership. They expected to reap the benefits of trust, loyalty, and respect without working to re-earn them everyday. And when they noticed all was lost, and morale needed to be rebuilt, they forgot the most important rule:

Leaders go first.

In Sled Dog Racing, the dog out front is called the leader for a reason.

It applies to every aspect of leadership. Not just vision-setting. Not just risk-taking. Not just bureaucratic-battling. Everything. If you want a respectful team, instead of demanding it, you must give your team respect. If you want a loyal team, instead of threatening, you must work toward collective gain. If you want a trusting team, you must trust your team. If you want to lead, you must go first.

Even though I wasn't a designated leader back then, I missed my opportunity, too.

I didn't need anyone's permission to follow the rule. I could have just as easily gone first. I could have taken responsibility for the tone. I could have led us to a better place. 

It’s too late for that team, now. I don't get a second chance. But I'll bet it’s not too late for you. You can make the decision to change everything, and you can start today!

Learn from our mistakes. Decide what kind of team you want. Become the leader. Go first.

---

References:

The Art of Doing: How Superachievers Do What They Do and How They Do It So Well by Camille Sweeney and Josh Grosfield

The Art of Possibility by Benjamin Zander and Rosamund Stone Zander

Creativity, Inc: Overcoming the Unseen Forces That Stand in the Way of True Inspiration by Ed Catmull and Amy Wallace

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brene Brown

The Hard Thing About Hard Things: Building a Business When There Are No Easy Answers by Ben Horowitz

Resilience: Why Things Bounce Back by Andrew Zolli and Ann Marie Healy

Tribal Leadership: Leveraging Natural Groups to Build a Thriving Organization by Dave Logan, John King, and Halee Fischer-Wright

The Truth about Leadership by James M. Kouzes and Barry Z. Posner

Work Rules!: Insights from Inside Google That Will Transform How You Live and Lead by Laszlo Bock

#TeamWORK

We have a little hashtag we use when things go our way. When we accomplish what we set out to do. When the team made something materialize out of thin air (and sweat and tears). When they solved the big problem. When we saved the day. 

#TeamWORK

It means a lot to me. It means the Team did WORK. We didn’t just sit in a meeting admiring the problem. We didn’t get defeated or pessimistic. We didn’t turn on each other or turn our backs on each other. Or sacrifice the Team for the WORK. We know #TeamWORK when we see it. We feel it in our bones. But how does it actually work?

There are two important characteristics of every successful team: Diversity and Trust. 

Diversity is important because without it, there is no Team. A group of talented people with the same background, the same personality, the same mindset, the same vision, can get quite a bit of work done, together. But they aren’t a Team. A Team’s members bring their strengths to compensate for the others’ weaknesses. They bring perspective, and different approaches to problem-solving. Each member of a team must bring their own passion, inclination, skills, or network. They must add unique value to the WORK.

And it’s a balance. 

Each member must also bring their commitment to a shared purpose. And share the Team’s values. Without shared purpose and values, you also don’t have a Team. You have a group of incredible individuals working within the same space. Shared purpose gives focus to their WORK. And shared values plant the first seeds of Trust, the second characteristic of a successful Team.

Trust crates a safe environment for every member to let their uniqueness shine. Without Trust, the diversity of the Team is meaningless. Trust allows each person to share their ideas, and opinions. To give feedback and even criticism. To raise their hand and risk without worry about looking foolish or concern that they’ll be shamed. Trust is what creates the safety to WORK on the edge. To push boundaries, and sometimes fail. 

Trust ensures that just as we would never sacrifice the Team for the WORK, we won’t ever have to sacrifice the WORK because of egos on the Team. 

When we get it right, it feels like magic. Worthy of #TeamWORK.

---

References:

Antifragile: Things That Gain from Disorder (Incerto) by Nassim Nicholas Taleb

The Art of Possibility by Benjamin Zander and Rosamund Stone Zander

Creativity, Inc: Overcoming the Unseen Forces That Stand in the Way of True Inspiration by Ed Catmull and Amy Wallace

Getting There: A Book of Mentors by Gillian Zoe Sega

The Hard Thing About Hard Things: Building a Business When There Are No Easy Answers by Ben Horowitz

Resilience: Why Things Bounce Back by Andrew Zolli and Ann Marie Healy

Rework by Jason Fried and David Heinemeier Hansson

StrengthsFinder 2.0 by Tom Rath

Think Like a Freak: The Authors of Freakonomics Offer to Retrain Your Brain by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner

Tribal Leadership: Leveraging Natural Groups to Build a Thriving Organization by Dave Logan, John King, and Halee Fischer-Wright

The Truth about Leadership by James M. Kouzes and Barry Z. Posner

Work Rules!: Insights from Inside Google That Will Transform How You Live and Lead by Laszlo Bock

How to Assemble Your Team

We’ve all got big plans. Bold plans. Bright futures we’re working to create. And because we’re each just one person, if our plans are sufficiently ambitious, there will come a point where we can no longer toil alone. We’ll need people to buy-in and change their behavior, or roll up their sleeves and help us (or both). We’ll need to get others on board.

But who do we pick? And how do we do it? How do we get the right people to start nodding their heads, moving their feet, and eventually jump up out of their seats to help us achieve our vision? We enlist them. We enroll them. We recruit them.

But first, we must pick.

We all want the best. Of course. But what does that really mean? We want people whose strengths make up for our weaknesses, who are intelligent and thoughtful and ambitious (in the right way). Who are resilient and resourceful. Who communicate and learn from their mistakes. We want the people we wish that we could be.

And that’s hard. Because we have to admit out loud that we are not that person, yet. That we have weaknesses. And we know that they are going to be better at doing what they do than we ever were when we tried to do it. And once they’ve joined us we’ll never again be able to control the outcome of the project. The people we enlist will have a say. And they’ll know better a lot of the time. 

A few weeks back, my partner at work was answering technical questions about our new project. I was following along just fine until he started using words to describe things that I didn’t even know there were words to describe. The micromanager in me freaked out. And the scientist in me felt awkward and unprepared. But the program manager in me felt proud that our team was so far out on the cutting-edge that I had no chance of keeping up.

I let my program-management-pride win the emotional battle. And it was hard.

It’s also hard to get the best people because emotionally stable, whip-smart, badasses aren’t often looking for new things to do. They don’t want for opportunities to achieve. And they probably have a whole list of their own problems they’re working to solve. Or they’re tired and catching up on Game of Thrones. 

So once you find them, you must recruit them. But how?

The key to enlisting others to help you achieve your vision is to find people who are frustrated by the problem, intrigued by the technology required to solve it, inspired by the opportunity to create a solution, or otherwise emotionally connected to your mission. 

That sounds a little bit more like who than how. And it’s true. Because once you find the right who, the how becomes easy. 

If they talk about the problem with as much passion as you do. If their eyes light up at the thought of building a solution. If they are optimistic and enthusiastic about the future you could create, then all you need to do to enlist them, is to invite them. Give them an opportunity and the freedom to dream. Talk to them. Encourage them. Share with them. Trust them. And you will assemble the team you need.

---

Resources:

Antifragile: Things That Gain from Disorder (Incerto) by Nassim Nicholas Taleb

The Art of Possibility by Benjamin Zander and Rosamund Stone Zander

Creativity, Inc: Overcoming the Unseen Forces That Stand in the Way of True Inspiration by Ed Catmull and Amy Wallace

Getting There: A Book of Mentors by Gillian Zoe Sega

The Hard Thing About Hard Things: Building a Business When There Are No Easy Answers by Ben Horowitz

Resilience: Why Things Bounce Back by Andrew Zolli and Ann Marie Healy

Rework by Jason Fried and David Heinemeier Hansson

Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard by Chip and Dan Heath

Think Like a Freak: The Authors of Freakonomics Offer to Retrain Your Brain by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner

Work Rules!: Insights from Inside Google That Will Transform How You Live and Lead by Laszlo Bock

Shrinking Your Dreams (to Achieve Them)

I’ve done quite a bit of research on goals and achievement in the past few years (it’s kinda my thing), and it turns out: We must be challenged and inspired by our goals to generate the motivation to achieve them. And at the same time, we must believe that we can achieve our objectives if we are ever going to try in the first place. We must be outside our comfort zone and also comfortable and confident. We must want more and be content with what we have. 

Seriously. All at the same time.

No wonder so many of us find it hard to achieve our dreams. We either stay within the realm of our capabilities and lack the inspiration to reach for new heights. Or we dream big but become overwhelmed by the fact that we don’t know how to get from here to there. Either way, it’s the same result: The same old us, doing the same old things.

So then what do we do? Practice contentment? Refuse to reach? Give up on our goals? Decide not to dream? Of course not!

According to the researchers and authors I admire, there is a trick - and it is absolutely a trick! But one you play on yourself. You must dream as big as you dare to dream, and then slice the work required down into the smallest possible steps. Steps so minuscule they can be accomplished easily and without much thought. Steps so ridiculously small you’ll feel like you haven’t done a thing. And yet, you’re still making progress toward your big beautiful dream.

Does it work? So far, so good... An example:

One of my intentions for the year is to transform my lifestyle from suburban-dwelling to adventure-ready. That is a big and nebulous, you-know-it-when-you-see-it kind-of goal. How do you even know where to start with something like that?

So I asked myself, at the end of the year, how will I know I’ve accomplished my goal? And then I made a list:

• I will have reduced my possessions to the things I absolutely need.

• I will have paid off my debts.

Hmm. Still too big. Let’s try again:

• I will have reduced my possessions to the things I absolutely need,

  • By pretending I was moving and donating everything I wouldn’t want to pack and take with me.

• I will have paid off my debts,

  • By increasing my payments in my debt snowball to accelerate my payoff timeline.

Getting closer, but not quite. One more try?

• I will have reduced my possessions to the things I absolutely need,

  • By pretending I was moving and donating everything I wouldn’t want to pack and take with me,

    • By systematically moving room by room, each month, and sorting and donating everything I wouldn’t pack if I was going to move.

• I will have paid off my debts,

  • By increasing my payments in my debt snowball to accelerate my payoff timeline,

    • Because I reduced expenses to free up more money to put into my debt snowball.

Still not there yet. Maybe if I break them down once more, I’ll know exactly where to start?

• I will have reduced my possessions to the things I absolutely need,

  • By pretending I was moving and donating everything I wouldn’t want to pack and take with me,

    • By systematically moving room by room, each month, and sorting and donating everything I wouldn’t pack if I was going to move,

      • And I started with my bookshelf and donated everything I don’t need for research.

• I will have paid off my debts,

  • By increasing my payments in my debt snowball to accelerate my payoff timeline,

    • Because I reduced expenses to free up more money to put into my debt snowball,

      • By trading in my SUV for a smaller car, with lower payments and better gas mileage.

My "new" and more-affordable Carmax Car. It's super fun to drive! Photo Credit: Carmax.

And then there it was, a place to start. I turned the inspiring idea of becoming adventure-ready into two easily-doable action steps. Donate every book that I don’t need for research and trade in my SUV for something more affordable. Those two actions can be broken down further. Sort the books, for example, is a good first step. Use the Carmax website to research nearby vehicles that will meet my requirements is another. 

I slapped deadlines on those actions and I was off to the races! And once they were done, I was actively achieving my challenging and inspiring goal. And that provided even more motivation! So I walked through the process again. What can I do next? Clean out my closet and use all of my tax refund for debt reduction. Check and check! Throw out all the expired medicine from last cold season I have lurking under the sink and recalculate my debt snowball. Boom, boom, wow! I’m practically done already! (Not really, but it feels like it because I am making progress, one step at a time).

And that’s the trick.

So what is your big dream? How will you know that you’ve achieved it? What will you have done? What do you need to do to make that step possible? Can it be broken down any further? Try once more and make that step smaller still. Then execute. You’ve got this! A challenging and inspiring goal, and a completely-doable place to start. All at the same time.

---

References:

Creativity, Inc: Overcoming the Unseen Forces That Stand in the Way of True Inspiration by Ed Catmull and Amy Wallace

The Desire Map: A Guide to Creating Goals With Soul (affiliate link) by Danielle Laporte

The Fire Starter Sessions: A Soulful + Practical Guide to Creating Success on Your Own Terms (affiliate link) by Danielle LaPorte

The Hard Thing About Hard Things: Building a Business When There Are No Easy Answers by Ben Horowitz

Mastery by Robert Greene

Rework by Jason Fried and David Heinemeier Hansson

Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard by Chip and Dan Heath

Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar by Cheryl Strayed

When Yes! Becomes No...

My whiteboard is a wasteland.  

It's where good ideas go to die. It is where cheerful and exciting and brightly-colored possibilities languish until they are finally erased to make room for the new and equally exciting thoughts that come next. Maybe 50% of what goes up on the board ever makes it into some form of reality (and I am generously guessing, I don't keep stats on this part of the process). The rest are erased from the world, never to be considered again.

My drafts folder is a dumpster.

It's the most neatly-organized dumpster in history, but a dumpster nonetheless. It is where just-started and fully-conceptualized and nearly-done-but-not-quite projects assemble in little rows. All waiting for one more stroke of genius, one more piece of critical information, one more full day of uninterrupted time (that is never coming). Or better yet, one new project owner to take the ball and run it down the field, now that I have taken a seat on the bench.

I used to feel bad about this. 

I'm a finisher. My pride comes from bringing something fully into existence. There are no high-fives for bright ideas or half-done efforts. Not in my book.  

And I used to think I was doing something wrong. 

No is the almighty tool. No is proof that you have priorities. And my work comes from an engineering flow diagram of Yes! What is my problem?

It turns out: Nothing. 

It's true that No is important. But it is more important when you start saying No . Do you shut down new ideas before they're even formed? Do you only put them on the board if you can see a clear path to accomplishment? Do you hold off starting until you know you'll be able to finish? Are you playing it safe? Are you avoiding a challenge? Are you holding yourself back from your true potential?

No creates the space you need to accomplish the things you need to accomplish. True. Saying No too soon, however, could prevent you from making the right call about what you need to accomplish in the first place.  It closes you off to creativity. It prevents you from making new connections. And it keeps you exactly where you are. Is that where you want to be?

So say yes. Say Yes! And keep saying yes until you are sure it's a no... And then erase the board or organize the file or pass it off to the next person willing to say Yes! and move forward on your priorities with your head held high.

---

Choose Yourself!: Be Happy, Make Millions, Live the Dream by James Altucher

Getting There: A Book of Mentors by Gillian Zoe Sega

The Hard Thing About Hard Things: Building a Business When There Are No Easy Answers by Ben Horowitz

Rework by Jason Fried and David Heinemeier Hansson

Think Like a Freak: The Authors of Freakonomics Offer to Retrain Your Brain by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner

Thrive: The Third Metric to Redefining Success and Creating of Life of Well-Being, Wisdom, and Wonder by Arianna Huffington

Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar by Cheryl Strayed

It's Not Going to be Easy

I’ve spent the past few months describing the key elements of doing the impossible. All of the work, so far, has been internal. Once you identify the problem, I've described the importance of turning inward to identify your passion, your inclination, and talent. To understand exactly how you can contribute to a solution. And I've shown you a few techniques to help improve your knowledge and skills.

All of that self-assessment and growth takes energy and time and work if you’re going to do it right. And it is necessary and meaningful and the only way to truly succeed in solving your problem. And it also isn’t enough. 

Perfect self-awareness and infinite knowledge mean nothing until they are turned into energetic action. You must do something! And that is when the real work begins. Yes, it's true: personal growth isn’t easy. But it is easier than confronting the world. 

And that is what you must do next.

Passion, inclination, and skill are necessary ingredients for doing the impossible. But they aren't sufficient. You also must bring focus, energy, and work-ethic. You must translate your passion into progress. You must convince the world there is a better way of doing things. You must assemble a team and lead it to victory. All while preserving your sanity and health. And that’s not going to be easy.

But it will be worth it. 

---

It's Time for A Personal Quarterly Off-Site

I first heard the idea to host Personal Quarterly Off-Sites in a podcast. The basic premise is that we are all CEO and President of our own lives. And just like the C-suite of a company takes time every 90 days to assess where they have been and where they are going, so should we. 

I already was half-way down the path to this idea when I found it. My best girlfriends and I have a tradition of sharing our goals for the year and checking in with each other every quarter. That usually means that I spend an hour reviewing my goals for the year, measuring my progress, and deciding what I plan to do in the next quarter, all while simultaneously crafting an email to let them know how I've done. Setting aside a day for a Personal Quarterly Off-Site promised to add a layer of reflection and introspection to my process. And I was excited to give it a try. 

Cory is reflective and super goal-oriented so he was on board to join me. And I was so thankful to have him. Some things don't become real until you say them out loud. And some things will sit forever in your blind spot until someone you trust points them out. If you do hold your own Personal Quarterly Off-Site, I recommend you recruit a friend to join you. You'll be amazed at what you can uncover when you're working together.

I wanted to be sure that we were maximizing our wellbeing  throughout the day. First, so that we could review the past quarter with the right amount of perspective and respect for our efforts. It would be too easy to be hard on ourselves if we got up on the wrong side of the bed. And I wanted to ensure we had access to our creativity and optimism when we were designing our actions for the next quarter. 

Sunrise on the roof. There is no better way to start the day.

So I created an agenda that balanced reflection, assessment, and planning with meditation, movement, and delicious meals. And it worked out great! We kept our energy high. We accomplished what we needed to do. And we have actionable, measurable goals to accomplish in the next 90 days to move us ever closer to achieving our intentions for the year. 

I’m so proud of the outcome that I decided to share our agenda and reflection questions here. Please use in good health! And if you do, please let me know how it goes! 

Personal Quarterly Off-Site Agenda

• 0645: Wake up and make coffee (we are early risers, even on the weekends)

• 0715: Sunrise on the roof (with coffee)

• 0730: Meditation (we used a guided meditation from headspace)

• 0745: Make Bulletproof Coffee (to supercharge our brains for the first segment)

• 0800: A retrospective on the first quarter (an expanded upon version of a blog by Danielle Laporte, details below)

• 1000: A squat workout and showers

• 1100: Walk to a delicious brunch

• 1200: Reflect on the role your Core Desired Feelings and Personal Values played over the past quarter (details below)

• 1300: Design goals and intentions for the next quarter (details below)

• 1400: Watch a motivational documentary

• 1500: Get a massage

• 1630: Debrief offsite and plan for the next one

Details:

A retrospective on the first quarter:

1. Take three minutes and list the major highlights of the first quarter

2. Share them with your partner. What patterns do they see? What's missing?

3. What patterns do you see? What on that list most gives you joy?

4. What mattered most to you in the last quarter, whether it was on the list or not?

5. Review your goals and intentions for the year, for each goal or intention answer:

   1. What did I do to achieve this goal?

   2. How did I feel?

   3. What new insight do I have about this goal based on the first few questions in the retrospective?

Reflect on the role your Core Desired Feelings and Personal Values played over the past quarter:

1. List and define each of your Core Desired Feelings and Personal Values

2. Describe times during the last quarter that you most felt each of your Core Desired Feelings and expressed each of your Personal Values.

3. Looking back, was anything about the last quarter out of sync with your Core Desired Feelings or Personal Values?

4. Looking forward, do you need to make any changes to your goals or intentions in light of today’s work?

Design Goals and Intentions for the Next Quarter:

For each goal or intention, work with your partner to brainstorm the things you could do in the next 90 days to move you toward achievement. Then narrow the list down to the few things you are going to commit to doing.

---

Babies Learning to Walk

Writers often use the example of Babies Learning to Walk when they talk about resilience, persistence, and growth mindset. Babies don’t care that they don’t already know how to walk, they say, babies know that they want to walk, and they know that it is possible to walk, and that is all that matters. So they try. And they stand up, and they fall down. And then they stand up again, and get pretty good at that, and so try to take a step, and they fall down. And then the stand up again. And try to take a step again. Maybe this time holding on to the couch (babies aren’t fools). And then they let go and they fall down. And so they try again…. until eventually the baby learns how to walk. And we film it on our iPhones and share it on Facebook and Grandma cries and everyone is happy. And we use that baby as our role model. That baby is a hero of persistence.

Only, it doesn’t actually go like that. 

Babies don’t teach themselves to walk in one grueling afternoon. The sum total of their effort can’t be encapsulated in a Vine. It takes time. They get fed up. When they fall down, they cry. And sometimes they give up on the whole walking idea for weeks. Crawling is faster and they already know how! Raising both hands in the air and cooing when Grandpa walks by is EVEN FASTER than crawling. Grandpa will carry you anywhere. Walking is for chumps.

My niece and my inspiration for the true-er story. She's no fool!

The true-er story of Babies Learning to Walk offers another lesson about resilience. It’s not the falling down and quickly getting back up that matters. It’s in the hurt butt (and hurt feelings). The crying and the frustration. And the ease of slipping back into the old habit of doing things. The reasons you need to build resilience in the first place. Because brush yourself off and get back up is not always an option. Sometimes you have to sit through the pain, and heal, and develop a new strategy or build new skills before you can sweet-talk yourself into trying again. And that takes work. And it’s all too easy to try and fail and think maybe walking just isn’t for me and go back to crawling forever.

So what then, can we do? How can we build adaptive capacity? How can we increase our resilience to stress and difficulty and failure? How can we better sit through the pain and develop a new strategy while we heal? 

First, we must acknowledge our frustration and pain.

Even welcome it. Frustration is a sign of progress. We’re trying something new! We’re moving ourselves forward! We’re developing new skills! None of that can happen without some set-back and frustration. So the first step in developing resilience is developing the right perspective around pain. Nobody questions sore muscles from a hard workout. It’s time to stop questioning sore feelings when we stretch toward a new goal.

Next, we must focus on our purpose.

What are we trying to accomplish? What was the whole point of trying to walk in the first place? Do we want to move faster? Or more easily reach the dog when she hides from us? Are we stretching into our Big Girl status now that Mommy has twin babies on the way? Having a crystal-clear intention helps us remember why we started and will motivate us to better withstand the pain when we fall back down.

Third, we must reinforce our wins.

Even the small ones. We must shake our little booties with joy when we free-stand for more than a second. Even if that celebration ultimately lands us back on our butts. We must look around for encouragement and relish in Grandma’s cheers and Grandpa’s clapping and everyone telling us what a Big Girl we’ve become. The memory of those celebrations will help cut through the frustration when we’re back on the ground.

And last, we must understand our strengths and hold them tight.

Especially our new strenghts. When things get hard and it seems like there is no way to accomplish our goals, itemizing our strengths and talents will open up new paths and possibilities. New routes to victory. Maybe we can’t walk, just yet, but we’re super-good at standing while holding on to the couch, and that makes one less safe place for the puppy to hide! And hey, look at that! If we keep one hand on the couch we can shuffle side-to-side! That’s almost as good as walking. We’re practically there!

That’s resilience!

That baby is a role model of persistence. Not for her ability to get back up, but for what she does when she's back on the ground!

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References:

Creativity, Inc: Overcoming the Unseen Forces That Stand in the Way of True Inspiration by Ed Catmull and Amy Wallace

The Desire Map: A Guide to Creating Goals With Soul (affiliate link) by Danielle Laporte

Getting There: A Book of Mentors by Gillian Zoe Segal

Mastery by Robert Greene

Resilience: Why Things Bounce Back by Andrew Zolli and Ann Marie Healy

Rework by Jason Fried and David Heinemeier Hansson

StandOut 2.0: Assess Your Strengths, Find Your Edge, Win at Work by Marcus Buckingham

Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard by Chip and Dan Heath

The Truth about Leadership by James M. Kouzes and Barry Z. Posner

Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar by Cheryl Strayed

Unleash Your Inner Eight-Year-Old

There is a lot to be admired in an eight-year-old.​

An eight-year-old doesn't care what she looks like in her bathing suit, she just ​goes swimming.

An eight-year-old is comfortable asking the obvious question and showing that she doesn't know everything, because how could she? And how do you learn without asking? And researching? And testing hypotheses?​

​An eight-year-old doesn't really hear the word ​no​ either. She hears, instead, ​maybe if you make a better argument, ​or​ maybe when you've grown a little, ​or ​maybe once you've finished your vegetables​.

And even though they seem enormous to her, an eight-year-old's troubles are small. She's not expected to solve world hunger, or climate change. She's only responsible for being the best she can be, at each moment. And she is easily forgiven for failing, because she's learning.​

How much better would our lives be if we could connect with our inner eight-year-old?​

And why shouldn't we? In the grand scheme of things, aren't we all really still just an eight-year-old? Besides that part about caring what we look like in a bathing suit...​

We have developed knowledge and expertise, sure, but on the scale of the Universe we still pretty-much know nothing. We still have never done most things (proven by the length of our bucket lists). And can't we all imagine tackling the next challenge ​after we've developed a little more? ​

So why, then, do we let our egos hold us back from asking the obvious question? We're stunting our continued growth! Why do we accept other people's assumptions and mindlessly do things the way they have always been done? Why do we let one person's ​no ​​stop us from creating the life we want for ourselves? Why do we hold the world on our shoulders and beat ourselves up for failing to save it alone?

What made us lose touch with our inner eight-year-old? And, more importantly, how do we find her again? And become best friends? And unleash her into the world?​

My current location. The perfect place for an eight-year-old to explore.

I feel the presence of my inner eight-year-old when I spend time with my niece and nephews. When I let myself see the world through their eyes. So, I know she's in there. And I let her tug at my arm when I am about to do something new and exciting. She is always encouraging me to run and dive in and ask and wonder and explore (if I listen). 

Now I am working to make it safe for her to speak up in the boring everyday situations, too.  By listening to the small voice with the dumb idea or stupid question. By acknowledging my fear and raising my hand and saying it anyway. And sometimes they laugh. But most times they don't. And I feel her getting stronger. Strong enough that maybe some day I'll be able to truly unleash my inner eight-year-old.

Special Note: This is the second in a series of blogs about our values: COURAGE. OPTIMISM. CONTRIBUTION. SILLINESS. CURIOSITY. GROWTH. I founded Tailored Output to help you accomplish The Impossible. And curiosity is a critical component of that work. Because without curiosity we will hold ourselves back from finding a unique path. I promote Curiosity, here, like I promote all of our values, even when it would be expedient or social to abandon them for a little bit.

If you'd like to get to know me better sign up for my weekly Rise & Shine! email. I deliver exclusive content about what's going on at Tailored Output - in my life, in my research, and in my head - every Monday morning.

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Our Definition of Courage is (Half) Wrong

When we picture the word courage, we see people jumping out of a plane, or marching into battle, swimming with sharks, or fighting cancer. Courage is movement, and change, and energy. Right?

Half right (and half wrong).

What about the courage to stay? What about the courage it takes to sit quietly with your own thoughts? To breathe through the panic that comes when you get what you’ve always wanted? Where is the motivational poster for that kind of courage?

An Illustration:

Cory and I are building a beautiful relationship, with communication and vulnerability. We accept each other for who we are and encourage each other to grow. That dynamic requires freedom. To learn. To change. To make new promises when the old ones don’t work anymore. And I love it. And I love him.

Our morning view in Costa Rica.

Last week, in Costa Rica, we were sipping coffee overlooking the ocean, enjoying the morning. We were having a conversation about the connections that can be made or missed depending on how we engage with the people who come in and out of our lives. And the fact that monogamy, by definition, causes more connections to be missed than made. It was all very casual. And then all at once, I lost it. 

A wave of fear crashed over me and I started to drown.

For the first time, I really felt the darker implication of the freedom that I love. He could have regrets. He could change his course. He could grow into something beyond-magnificent, and I might not be able to keep up. I was overwhelmed by my fear of being not-enough, of being left behind. And I was drowning.

So what to do? Courage means doing something, right? Flail for help? Summon the lifeguard? Set up my beach chair far from the water’s edge and vow never to swim that deep again? Is that courage? Are those courageous things to do?

Get out. Wall up. Harden my heart. With courage?

That would be ridiculous. We all know that. Every romantic comedy ever has taught us that! If I had taken some action in that moment, I would only be running from fear. My courageous task was simply to be with my fear. To feel it. To name it. To get curious about it. To look within myself instead of looking for an exit. 

And it wasn't easy. And I cried. And he was confused. And he helped me breath through it and listened while I tried to explain it. And then just as quickly as the wave crashed in, it rolled back out to sea and was gone.

If I had bought-in to the half-wrong notion that Courage = Movement. If I had tried to do something in that moment, I might have really messed things up. I could have tricked myself into believing I was doing the courageous thing and burned my whole beautiful world to the ground. By fighting. Or fleeing. Or subtly sabotaging. 

And I still could, the next time, if I let myself forget that Courage is Facing Fear. Only half of courage is taking action in spite of fear. The harder half is simply sitting with that fear until it rolls itself away.

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